20something profile: Roe

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’20somethings In 2014′ was kind enough to reach out to me and inquire about my career interests and post-grad life.
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20somethings Blog

Roe_PicThis post was written by Roe, a musician and songwriter:

Hi, I’m Roe. I’m an unemployed 24-year-old “adult” who unashamedly lives with my parents. I also take care of my grandmother who has a plethora of chronic ailments, while simultaneously striving to set a good example for my younger brother who’s still in high school. I’m also a songwriter.

I graduated Ramapo College of New Jersey in May of 2013 with a degree in Music, concentrating in Music Industry and Music Production and minoring in Information Systems — you know, for good measure.

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A Regrettable Vent: Typical Diary of an American 21st Century 20-something

I’m spiraling to nowhere.

Everything I get involved in seems like a half-assed attempt at trying to achieve something that never really goes anywhere.

My horoscope has been cryptic as fuck or just super vague, and I’m starting to realize maybe I’ve grown too dependent on it. I’ve grown too dependent on a lot of things.

I feel like everywhere I turn vines jump out and tie me down. Some of them come out of myself, others come from the outside.

I don’t know what I’m interested anymore. Don’t know what I want, what’s best. No one fucking understands what’s happening to me, what I’m going through. I’ve heard the same shit over and over. But it’s different from what you went through. Drowning you out and I don’t care anymore. Watching your hand gestures from my peripheral and I could care less. I feel like I need to move away and I don’t care how I get there. The world’s a different place now. And if you’re not Business, you’re not wanted. You’re voided out. To be trapped within your own mind is one of the worst things. It doesn’t physically hurt but just feels so damn suffocating and paralyzing. How can I possibly move?

Was I trying to take some easy way out? Is that why I’m in such a tortuous state? And I just too scared or something? Make a move! But where?

I’ve used all my lifelines, I’ve tried to be positive, but there are just some nights you want to cry yourself to sleep and realize you can’t because you’re too damn angry at everything and anxious about the future and that keeps you awake for hours.

Drinking gives a false, elevated sense of self and is never worth the repercussions. I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel awkward and unwanted and lost.

I have nothing to talk about anymore and it’s fucking killing me. I can write all I want and it gets me nowhere. I don’t fit the format, don’t fit the clothes, the schematic. I’m something other than what the blueprint suggested. There are changing landscapes now. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore.

I am 23 years old, full of energetic promise and potential. Where did I go wrong? I feel tapped out, gipped out of something I thought I earned. No one takes chances anymore and I guess that means me too. What am I doing here? Does this end, because it feels like forever.

The things I thought to be honest and true are all flaking paint, including myself.

Our world naturally and idealistically is slowly morphing into wasteland and hell and my emotions are going along with it.

Everything revolves around money I don’t have, don’t want, yet weakly need. It seems so wrong. Everything seems so wrong. Everything seems to be so desperately wrong.

Cue Sound The Alarm. It’s really the only record I can listen to when I get like this anyway. That and Between The Concrete & Clouds seems to be really hitting the spot right now.

Meaning vs. Experience

Some days I just want to be content with everything – Be genuinely content with everything and everyone.  But would that be me?  Sometimes I wish it were – just to be so easygoing and positive. Maybe that’s what I subconsciously aim for on a day-to-day basis – to be some likable creature.

I want to be thinner, less insecure, more savvy with everything.  I have this subconscious quest to learn everything, know everything.  I’m not sure if that’s healthy or not.  I’m sure the cons will eventually flare up. But nothing beats a content headspace.

Staying home for the better part of the past four months as been a wonderful blessing.  But as with the equilibrium of all things, there is a darker aspect to the half of the whole.  Once Commencement was over and I cried my eyes out for most of the day, I continued to stay firmly resolute in my heartfelt rejection of society – How it works, how it functions, what it revolves around, the types of people involved.  It broke my heart (and still does) to realize that after all this effort, all this hard work, blood, sweat, tears, and emotional turmoil this what it all comes down to: A job – A foundation for a life, for a type of future I do not foresee myself having because I can’t see past the end of the month, nevermind the next five years.  But throughout these past few months, I think I’ve slowly been coming to peace with it.  Joseph Campbell’s always in the back of my head, telling me to say “yes” to everything – the good and the bad.

So the past few days I’ve been diligently drafting emails and cover letters to send to six different companies.  I know there’s something out there for me.  It’s just my worst fear is to not utilize my fullest potential, to feel like I’m wasting my time, or not being a part of something great.  That’s what I want – I want to move mountains with no bullshit.  I want to mean every word I say and make every action count.  Joseph Campbell says it’s not really the meaning of life we’re looking for at all, rather it’s the experience of life we’re seeking.  And maybe starting now, I’m willing to search for a different experience – One does not require staring at the four walls of my house all day.