lost

“Permanently Lost”. Song by Somos. RIP Phil Haggerty. The first thought I think when I hear this simple four letter word.

I think of forests and trees and being captivated by their greenness, wandering deeper and deeper and procrastinating worry about the fact that I have no sense of direction, no idea where I’m going, no compass. I either will or won’t find my way out. But I will. Sunlight drapes the treetops in a blanket ray, bird chirps are panned right as I turn slowly. The rustle in the brush is just me and my backpack. And I am calm and sure.

There is also a dimension of terror to being lost. Like having your phone die on a city street in the nighttime. You are unsure of the time and the aural landscape consists of wet street pavement tires and horns honking. The loud squeaking of rats cutting through the silences. The lazy acceleration of the F train as it pulls away. Terror and fear grip at the heart and throat. The mid-center chakras all the way around the body. It squeezes and terrifies. Released only when familiar landmarks start to come into play, and you can finally start dreaming about home again. Drunk and letting go of this moment to briefly close eyes in sweet relief knowing you’re heading in the right direction. Sounds become sharper.