yoga cure & insurmountable productivity+satisfaction mountain

Yesterday evening I found myself in an emotionally strange mood. My energy was…weird. I felt mushad, self-pity, discontent, anxiety. I was upset with my choices that had made up my day – I snacked way too much, even though I tracked everything I got upset that I wasn’t satisfied; I wasn’t hungry, but continued to eat (to feel good, I guess). I wish I had been more productive on a whole; I have a whole desk with stuff on it that I need to go through because I’d like to eventually get rid of the desk. And I suppose I have been working on it…sort of. One of the piles on that desk is 3-4 years worth of music magazines I had subscribed to during that time, in pretty good shape too because they’ve mostly sat there untouched for 6-9 years. I’ve decided to post them all individually on eBay to see if anyone wants them, but that stuff takes so much time. And it really took a lot of me yesterday. It was very monotonous work. I think I posted around 20 yesterday, and there’s still more to do. (I might try to post a few before I head out to work today.)

I’m not sure if I’m PMS-ing…It does seem a little early, but I’ve been wondering what caused the weirdish mood I found myself in yesterday aside from my own seemingly unattainable goals. Because to be honest, I was productive yesterday. I got a load of laundry done, practiced “Angeles”, caught up on some TV, did dishes, emptied the dishwasher, went for a walk, shipped something I sold on eBay. I had made a small to-do list and actually checked off most of the things on it. I think I’ve been anxious about the songs I’ve been recording in the studio. Like, are they still good? Should I be doing anything differently? I think the idea that “this could all be for nothing” is a big fear in my mind, not just for this but for anything. That’s definitely present in my brain. I think I should reach out to Matt again sometime soon and see if I can book a day before May to get a song done (it’s called “All Your Books”) that doesn’t require drums. I think it’s just going to be me and the guitar.

But anyway, yeah so when my family sat down for dinner last night, I decided to skip (since I had eaten all day) and opted to go to yoga instead. And at first I was indecisive what I wanted more; To wallow in tasty steak my mom made and definitely going over my daily calorie limit? Or focusing on my breath, mind, body in yoga? But I knew I would feel better if I just bit the bullet and went to yoga. It took some self-determination, but you know what guys? I was so.right. I had such a great great great class and was so glad I went. My weird mood lifted and I walked out of that class feeling like a new person, feeling like everything was possible. I was energized and hopeful and positive. The transformation was unbelievable. I slept incredibly well last night and am not even sore today. A part of me wishes I got up early enough to go to another class this morning, but the other part is glad I slept in, getting the 8 hours I definitely needed after waking up at around 4:30-5 AM for most of the week because of work.

It sometimes really difficult for me to change my mood on a whim. Sometimes weird states of mind / depression / anxiety really pull me down and it’s like quicksand; It’s really difficult to climb out on self-volition alone. It’s easy to stay trapped. It’s something I struggle with on a regular basis. I feel so thankful, blessed, and grateful that yoga is something I have that pulls me out of that.

So this morning (well, now it seems it’s afternoon) I had some breakfast (Apples, sunbutter, and Special K that I might have overindulged on, but oh well) and caught up on the latest Star Trek: Discovery episode from last night, which was excellent. I am SO grateful to live in a present where Star Trek is on TV again. It gives me so much light and happiness…it’s difficult to articulate.

So anyway, now I”m listening to a monthly playlist my friend Stan made while I type this. I’m thinking my next move will be meditating in my room before I get dressed. It’s unexpectedly cold today, so who knows what I’ll wear to work today. Because of these various weather shifts, I haven’t been able to commit to switching out my closet / wardrobe yet (I have a small closet so around this time of year, I’ll bring the winter wear / sweaters to a downstairs closet and the summer / spring stuff upstairs to my closet). I think I heard it’s supposed to be 60 degrees all next week, so that’s definitely something to look forward to. Nice weather should help lift my sometimes-melancholy moods significantly.

angeles

Last night I (quite literally) dusted off my Elliott Smith songbook and opened to the first page and proceeded to learn “Angeles”. I would love to have a been a fly on the wall when Elliott wrote this song because it is pure magic and power in the quiet and the flawless accuracy of his fingerpicking. I can get through the song, pretty well actually. But I’m still practicing to get that Elliott perfection.

Elliott Smith is one of my favorite songwriters of all time because of where he goes, musically, in his songs. He covers so much ground; the chords are constantly moving and changing, which in turn makes the melody more compelling. I’ve been a fan for awhile now. I remember having some of his music on my iPod between high school and college, but his catalog never fully hit me until I wanna say, 2011. That seems right.

Dedicating time to learn covers (or even new chords for that matter) is something I’m incredibly bad at; I’m impatient and impulsive and sometimes I wish I weren’t. But I think there’s immense educational value in sitting down to learn songs and different chords and strumming patterns because that is what in fact informs future songwriting. That concept is literally the way I started learning guitar and soon after, writing my own songs. But again, sometimes I find it difficult to commit. Though I was glad to find time to take a look at “Angeles” last night. I was so excited I even played it for my parents once I had it down.

I’ve recorded a bunch of videos on my phone between yesterday and today, wanting to ultimately upload a flawless clip to Instagram, but it is still a work in progress and something I don’t think I’ll cave into until I get it right. I just found what seems like a good tutorial on YouTube and I think I’ll watch that next time I sit down with my guitar to play it.

pro-crast

I’m procrastinating getting ready for work.

It’s after 12. I still have time, but I need to call an Uber today because my mom isn’t home to drive me to the train; So I need to allot enough time for that.

I’ve also been procrastinating watching the latest Star Trek: Discovery episode? I’m not sure why. Yesterday I spent nearly the entire day home watching TV and instead of watching it, I caught up on like, 2 or 3 shows and then started watching 3 new shows. Whoops. I’ve been pretty successful at avoiding spoilers so far. (Twitter was/possibly still is a minefield.) Maybe I’ll watch it tomorrow because this morning I started watching One Mississippi with Tig Notaro.

While I’m typing, I’m also listening / “screening” my playlist for next month. It’s something I do, to make sure all the songs flow right. I know it’s not April yet, but my playlists are something I care about and mildly obsess over – for if anyone should listen or stumble upon it, I want it to be as perfect as possible. Transitions are everything.

I’ve also started going through a lot of magazines in my room that I’ve been holding on to and I’m not sure why I have been? Rolling Stones and APs and SPINs and a few Vibes and Guitar Worlds. Not that I’ll ever read them again (or I”m not even sure if I read them the first time). I was actually able to unload a lot of Transworld Skateboarding magazines a couple years ago on eBay. I’m going to try to do the same thing with these, though there are a few I will hold on to for sentimental reasons. But yeah, they just been in my room forever gathering dust (but they’re in EXCELLENT, UNTOUCHED condition). During my teenage years, I guess I thought it was very important to have a ongoing magazine subscription. SO many magazines that, again, I don’t even remember reading that much! It’s another step in the process of clearing out my room. I have a lot of old furniture in there that I’m trying to get rid of, namely desks. But I can’t get rid of the desks without clearing them off first, you know? Anyway – I also gotta gather together my snax and make my PBJ for dinner tonight. Haven’t done that yet…

It’s another beautiful day, but cold. Think I got a notification on my phone that says the weather’s going to be warming up soon (and stay consistent), which is also bittersweet because I sweat so much…Ha!

Alright, well I’m going to try to get dressed and whatnot; get ready. Maybe get in a little Nietzsche reading in before I hit the road. Realized I understand that guy best when I read it aloud, which I really should only do in the quiet, solitary privacy of my own home. He gets very complicated and complex very quickly. Not even sure why I started reading him in the first place. But this girl finishes what she starts.

And this post has now been finished.

Peace, y’all.

 

decompression #1

I remember staring at the ceiling in your apartment, laying on your hardwood floor – alone – listening to Chaos and Creation in the Backyard, loudly. So loud, I could feel the vibration of the music through the floor. And you had told me earlier that week that you liked to play music loud, that it was the only way to listen to it. And so I listened.

You had invited me out, but I declined. You wanted to introduce me to your friends, but in the moment of the invitation, I suddenly felt emotionally strange and perhaps grief-stricken. And maybe I also just felt awkward. And didn’t want to meet your friends, preferring to be alone. I tend to find myself in corners, having a habit of blurring the lines of my life, becoming this indefinable individual; bearing a title that’s not quite accurate, not quite encompassing all of me. It was a lot to explain. I didn’t know who to be for you.

And that summer I felt very strongly attached to you, and with good reason. It was difficult to define, to explain. But I was a newcomer in a different place, I was your guest. I was along for the ride. So keeping my mouth shut, I basked in whatever flowed around me. And there was a lot. And it truly was wonderful.

I left a paper on your coffee table that I wished I had brought home with me. Maybe your scribbles could have brought comfort on a dark, uncertain evenings when you would go radio silent, or when I would doubt my life.

You made me want to believe in the future. You made me believe in myself. You gave me joy and importance and made me feel like I mattered. And it changed my life. You changed my life.

So when you opened the door to find me on the floor of your apartment, listening to Chaos and Creation in the BackyardI continued to lay there and perhaps glanced up, the spell still partially intact. I trusted you. I explained my sadness. You understood.

 

self-care

self care is background music, blowing smoke out the window in giddy silence

self care is snacks and eating whatever you want (while logging it in your food tracker)

self care is clear blue sky walks with sunglasses and more music, but closer to your eardrums

self care is taking big deep breaths; so deep you can feel them fill your lungs

self care is watching birds watch you

self care is having seconds and knowing when enough is enough

self care is all-day pajamas, anything goes tv marathon

self care is sunshine and laughter,

a solitary afternoon in your own company

no obligations, but to yourself

to live the human experience

emotional self-reliance

freedom – no fear

Nina Simone-timbred, blue floodlight vocals

and jazz and good pop music that will surely

break your heart.