Interview Blues and Golds

I never knew having an interview go so shitty could make me feel so much better about myself (I must do this more often).

But seriously, I intend to.

Let’s just hope it goes a little bit better next time.

See, I’m an interview-newbie; Fresh-outta-college-grad who’s just starting to get her bearings together, slowly but surely beginning to understand how to live in the world. I’m more willing nowadays, too.

Let’s do this thing, you know?

So since I’ve finished up my (unpaid) internship this summer, I’ve been on 5 interviews – not a whole lot, I know – but I’m getting there. The one I had today was a phone interview, which I really don’t mind. It’s just the anticipation of the call that’s irksome sometimes.

So this phone interview – Piece of cake, right? Except for the fact that the job this interviewer was talking about did not match up to the job description AT.ALL. Nor the one I talked to the HR person about – She was my first phone interview regarding the position. Needless to say, I was completely taken aback, shocked even. Oh, it was the same position all right just the details seemed ever-changing and dancing away from what could ever be called “realistic” – at least to me.

Not to disclose too much information, let’s just say I thought this was going to be a clerical/computer job with training but really it was a technical/coding job about a lot of things no one told me I needed to know. So when my would-be supervisor was grilling me on how to run reports and queries for X, Y, and Z I was all like, “HUH?”.

I sounded like a blubber-mouthed, broken record idiot. But you know what? I didn’t mind it one bit. I was nearly laughing to myself. The guy was looking at my resume, but got none of my information right. Even looking at my resume, one would have to see I was not qualified for this job. I’ve been describing it to friends and fam as a “hilarious nightmare”. He then proceeds to quiz me on hypothetical tech situations using terminology I’ve never heard before with me on the other end saying things like, “Well, I don’t know. I’ve never had a position like this before” and “I don’t know, my experience doesn’t cover that”. I don’t even know what the position’s about anymore! The site description said one thing, the HR person another, and this guy did a complete 180 on that.

But I’m glad this happened. Now I know how it feels like to have an interview not go well (because so far *knock on wood* the rest have gone swimmingly). I think it’s important in the grand scheme of things to have experiences like this. It builds character and experience.

So cheers to the next one. And fingers crossed that someone else calls me back.

I know I have a lot to offer, and I’m waiting for my time to shine – in the golden rays of the sun 🙂

What Is My Bliss? …Really.

My mind moves at a million miles a minute, I swear. I’m constantly thinking about 5 million things at once. Yesterday and today it’s been: What is my bliss? No – really.

I don’t think we’re truly self-aware if we don’t constantly question everything we know, or should I say – everything we think we know.

A few months before graduating college I kind of had this profound, deep existential crisis that spiraled into about a week of depression, which consisted of: I don’t want to do music anymore. I hate it and want no part.

And I don’t know where it came from. Maybe anxiety and doubt due to the fact I didn’t have a job lined up, nor did I want to think about one. Could have been a childish response to a part of my youth coming to a close. Maybe I felt too dependent on it and that scared me. Maybe I was just tired of being in school for so long. When talking (or should I say shouting) to my my mom about it, I kept saying things like, “It’s been my life for so long, it’s like I’m not interested anymore” and “I feel like I know all there is to know, and I don’t know what to do with it anymore”.

I don’t think I feel this way anymore. I actually ended up crying in my room for a long time listening to Saves The Day’s Sound The Alarm, so music did get me through it after all (which I really resented at the time). I am still currently pursuing jobs in the music industry, I listen to music everyday, I still write songs, play guitar, etc. I think I just had a crack-up. But there are days (many days) where I catch myself making excuses when it comes to my own songwriting pursuits: Oh, I don’t feel like going to that open mic today and I don’t want to record this week and I don’t feel like going to that show. I almost feel like I’m sabotaging myself (which apparently really is a thing women tend to do according to Women Who Run With The Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes). I am I really lazy and harming my ambitions in the long-run, or am I just generally not interested and should just accept that fact and move on to something else?

All my life I feel I’ve pushed myself (or have been pushed) to do things I sometimes didn’t want to do, and sometimes when I did them, I’d feel really glad that I did. But I don’t know what this is – this feeling of hesitancy and closeted introverted-ness. I cringe at the fact at lugging my guitar somewhere. I like performing, but it’s mainly the fact that I have to go somewhere to go do it. And then that annoying question always lurking in the back of mind: Is this really all worth it?

I like doing things if I can anticipate a positive end result. Maybe that makes me spoiled? I’m not sure. But that’s the way I like to do things. But to be a musician is such an unknown. And I might I sound like a baby going on about this, but I’m really battling these feelings. Does it matter at all? Does anything matter at all?

And I got business cards with my songwriter info on them, I got a new feedback suppressor for my guitar. Why not use them, right?

I guess these thoughts are plaguing me as of late because there was an open mic at a place near me last night, and I decided not to go. To make myself feel better, I decided to go to my friend’s show instead which was in the same town. But then as the hour ticked closer and closer, I became less and less enthused and wanted more and more to just stay home and read or something. I didn’t like how that’s what I felt I really wanted. I felt like I was bullshitting myself – I should have pushed myself to go. Have I just been home for too long and that’s why I feel this way? I’m too comfortable here? (For TNG fans: Will Riker much?) I ended up getting a headache and went to bed right after dinner last night, anyway. So maybe I needed rest and I’m just making a big deal out of nothing.

The place I go to has a weekly open mic and I played it at the beginning of the month. It went great. The next week I had an interview scheduled for the next day, so I decided not to go, opting to go to bed in order to wake up well-rested and prepared. Then yesterday came.

I guess what I’m trying to get at is if I feel at peace, is it worth disturbing that peace to go and pursue something that disrupts that peace in a way? See, I hate the idea of wasting my life. And honestly, right now, I don’t feel that I am. But it’s the thought of the possibility that I am that creeps up on me. What if I could be doing more? But then for what? Why even push myself if it leads to nowhere? Do I just think music is my bliss because it’s been constant in my life? What if it’s not? What if I’ve transcended past that and it’s something else now? What if I’m just wasting my time pursuing some childhood dream? What is my bliss, really? Is there something more or am I just following a shadow of what I think I know?

Has anyone felt like this about anything? Let me know in the comments, y’all >>>

Peace and love,


Don’t Look For Rihanna to Play the Super Bowl Anytime Soon…

“CBS and the NFL punished Rihanna for being a victim of domestic abuse”:

Now this issue is not black and white. I mean, I don’t believe anything really is anyway.

On one hand, yeah – This is really fucked up because “CBS Sports chairman Sean McManus told Sports Illustrated” that “the decision to cut the Rihanna song was made because the network ‘needed to have…appropriate tone and coverage'”. So basically a near-executive decision is made to pull out a song (which by the way, only features Rihanna. I don’t think you could technically say it’s her song) simply because she is associated with domestic abuse a.k.a. Chris Brown, which also gyps her of royalties from the commercial song placement (at least one would think – Maybe Jay-Z gets all the moolah…Who knows?)

But what if they had left the song in? Don’t you think people would have commented on the insensitivity of CBS/the NFL for not taking it out? It’s a slippery slope.

Or (I hate to say) maybe no one would have noticed at all. I mean, the only reason this is probably in the mainstream media right now is because Rihanna took to Twitter to air out the situation:

And although I sympathize with Rihanna’s situation, CBS and the NFL are businesses – big businesses. And the United States is founded on the high holy principles of corporate capitalism (which is not necessarily “right” or “excusable”, but the point needs to be made to understand both sides of this). Therefore it helps the business play it safe but not calling further attention to itself in light of the Ray Rice case. I agree that this puts Rihanna in a bad light and makes her look like she is being penalized and discriminated against for her history as a domestic violence victim, but I do not believe that was CBS nor the NFL’s intent, despite the fact they they are backers of 99.9% male dominated organization. I believe this was an attempt to cover all tracks as to not make the organization seem more insensitive and biased than it already appears to be. But in all honesty the NFL is damned if it does and damned if it doesn’t, and I think this issue proves that; No matter where they turn, they’re going to look bad either way – The Ray Rice case on their side of the coin becomes more sketchy by each passing day.

UPDATE: It was just announced that CBS has dropped the song altogether –

“CBS permanently drops Rihanna song after she tweets ‘Fuck you'”:

With the ongoing Carrie Underwood jam, I thought the NFL was headed in more a Country direction anyway –

I Deserve An Equal Wage

Have you guys seen this?

“Republicans Unanimously Block Equal Pay Bill”:

Elizabeth Warren (and incidentally, my mom) shared this on Facebook today and it’s like, what gives?

I’m a woman, and you know what? There are some days I’d rather not participate in society, though I like to think that I’m getting better at getting motivated about dance of Life and all that; I’ve accepted the “getting a job” thing. But tell me: How am I supposed to feel excited or enthused about participating in my society, in my culture when my government cannot pass a bill to pay me the same wage as a man? Am I even wanted? Feels like a one-way ticket to second-class citizenship to me.

And this feels like such a dated issue, one that should have been solved YEARS, even DECADES ago.

Republicans claim (and have claimed for awhile now) that the issue of the pay gap doesn’t exist and/or “isn’t as big as the statistics say”. Even if we assume for a moment that the gap is exaggerated, there is still acknowledgement that there is a gap and the fact that there is one is too much. Isn’t there any urgency that this should be immediately fixed?

I feel a disconnect from the greying of Washington. I feel a disconnect from the hypocritical, greedy white males who are ruining this country from the inside out; They’re ruining it for everybody. And frankly, I don’t care if you disagree with everything I’m saying. This is my disillusionment, and you can’t take that away. At the end of that day, what I feel is sometimes all I have.

Is there a War on Women in this country? Maybe not a war but a definitely a distinct prejudice and fear – and it makes me ashamed to be associated with a nation so ignorant and backwards.

I’m sick of sexism. Just because I have breasts and can produce Life, doesn’t not mean I should be discriminated against. I deserve an equal wage.