The Sister in Me

I have a sister in me. A twin.

I never saw her before today.

She looks just like me. Spitting image.

But she’s wiser, less impulsive.

Kind smile, no judgement.

She hugs me and says, “It’s all going to be okay,

don’t get hung up on the past, it doesn’t matter anymore, really”.

No words leave her mouth, but I can translate.

I can read her mind because we’re the same.

Sometimes it just takes some deep thought and concentration

to break through our own mental, metal barriers

unknowingly created by ourselves

to protect and survive.

Although sometimes shields are double-edged swords in disguise.

If you just let it happen, it’s not that hard to

pull it out of the stone.

Talking Freddie Gray Blues

https://soundcloud.com/devinyl-records-ny/talking-freddie-gray-blues

I can’t get this song out of my head.

It’s beautifully written and constructed in classic Kevin Devine fashion, Elliott Smith influence ever so subtle.

I haven’t been very vocal about this because I feel as though no matter what I say, I cannot change the situation or the larger problems surrounding it; Only shoot hypotheticals and what-ifs and could-bes. But KD did such a wonderful job here. 99% of the words are things I wish I could say or construct into such a beautiful, succinct statement.

I don’t watch the news as much anymore as I believe it is mainly a vehicle for entertainment and bias. But I see the headlines and tune in every once in awhile. Because I have the luxury of not becoming emotionally involved. I’m a white female living in the suburbs and I can just turn it off whenever I want.

This is not my reality / I’m afforded the luxury / Of shaking my head / I shut the screen, go to bed / I can turn off what you never can / And watch it happen again and again

Truth is, I feel so deeply for my black brothers and sisters. And days come and go where I wish I could take away all of their pain.

Truth is, as a nation, we’re nowhere where we need to be. And this won’t go away overnight. Change is necessary. Justice and Equality are necessary.

But with each passing day I just feel helpless and unsure. And I’m so sorry and I wish I could paint the world over.

The system’s broken / Not breaking / It’s done

Because how many more times must this happen, how many more young black lives must be lost before we wake up as a country and ignite the human compassion seemingly dormant within us all?

I hope not too long.

April Shivers

It’s so cold outside! There was that one 80 degree day last Saturday, teasing the impatient Northeast with the prospect of summer creeping ’round the corner. But it’s a deception! An illusion. Once that sun goes down and the wind blows, it gets to your bones.

And I laugh because when it’s snowing, people are begging for summer but when it’s so hot the power goes out and the AC breaks, the same dissatisfied urchins are praying for cooler days. Still, this particular cold confuses me. It’s like Mother Nature can’t let go, though winter’s over. May’s practically in a week or so, right?

This week I’ve jam-packed my schedule with things to do. I’m not sure why. But ever since i got back from Florida, I felt compelled to do so; to stop putting everything off and just jumping for once, especially seeing friends. It’s like my dad says, “Relationships need to be nurtured” and I haven’t always been the best at doing that. Though I try. I’ll give myself that.

And despite the fact that I’ve been doing this, caring for Nonna, baking birthday cakes, and trying to get my eBay game back on track, in my mind I’m still thinking music, still attempting to exercise (and now meditate) everyday, read, write, finish season 3 of House of Cards. It adds up. But I think out of these years and months home, I’ve realized I like to be busy. I’ve affirmed that for sure. Or maybe I’m feeling my break coming to a close. It’s like, since I decided I’m going back to school in fall, a grid fell over everything in my life. And I can see where everything stands and where everything needs to go. And I’m ready to move the chess pieces on the board to start this damn thing already. Pawn to E4 or whatever.

Bobby Fischer out of character with a backwards baseball cap on putting on chapstick.

Breath is everything, even when Mother Nature blows it coolly down the back of our necks.

My New 21-Speed Bike

There’s something so incredibly liberating about coasting down the street, standing on the pedals flying, on top of the world.

And while I grow older and more reflective with each passing day, I realize I don’t want to hide the person I am, who I’ve always wanted to be. And I think high school really fucks up that goal. Because unwritten social rules conquer all and until you’re fully over it, done with college and standing on your own do you realize none of it matters. And even if it did, none of it matters anymore.

Because the friends the came and went are gone, the ones that stuck by you are considered to be your closest confidantes, and I am still the same punk-rock stricken, Star Trek obsessed girl who likes to ride her two-wheeler on beautiful clear skied days. Although I am 24 going on 25, the 14-year-old girl who found hope in Green Day and did her best to consciously avoid full conformity is still me. She’s still inside. And she will always exist even though I grow and change everyday. And while I’m nursing my sore tush (not yet used to that bike seat), she’s wondering what took me so long to get back to riding. Because we are who we are and when we like the things we like, it just clicks. And when you feel all is right in the world, it is. That’s your true nature. And that’s what I want to pursue and embrace for the rest of my life.