The Nihilistic Weekend

I think I’m cursed.

I spent this past weekend extremely depressed. And when I say extremely depressed. I mean so.fucking.depressed. I became caught in this nihilistic loop I couldn’t shake (thanks, all that Nietzsche I’ve been reading lately). Like:

Nothing matters.

There’s no point to anything.

Why try to do anything when there’s no point?

What’s the point of getting up in the morning?

Everything sucks, so why try?

If something’s meant to be, why try?

Why try to do anything? What’s the point?

Stuff like that. And then I proceeded to not get dressed or take a shower. And I stayed in my pajamas all day, watching Seinfeld for hours and hours, doing absolutely nothing and then felt like shit for doing absolutely nothing. Because I tend to judge my day (and myself) based on my productivity.

And I don’t think a lot of people know that I can get really fucking depressed. I’m kind of split 50/50 between introvert and extrovert and it really fucks with me. Not to say that introverts get more depressed than extroverts and vice versa, but you know what I mean. Because sometimes I can be very positive and very sociable, but then I can also get trapped into these shitty headspaces that become very difficult for me to break out of and I end up secluding myself from others.

This weekend had me crying a lot and attempting to talk out these nihilistic feelings with my parents. And even though nothing they said helped, talking with them did. And I feel so unworthy that I have them sometimes. (Although neither of them are saints and they can drive me absolutely fucking crazy when they want to.)

I feel unworthy about a lot of things.

I think I’m one of those people that has a really hard time asking for help. And maybe it’s not so much asking for help, but asking for help when need it. I have this vulnerability complex; Like I’m afraid to be seen as weak or vulnerable. And I know that’s not good. And I’m not sure why I feel that way or know how to overcome it. I mean, sure, I can push myself to ask for help in certain situations, particularly when they are in the moment and I have very little time to think about them. But for something like this? I don’t know….

Truth be told, I probably should be seeing a therapist or something, but there’s a stubborn part of me that refuses to make the effort. All that paperwork, explaining my life story, health insurance bullshit that’s sure to ensue. There’s too much anxiety in the actual process for me to go seek help. And that’s kind of funny in a way, I guess. And then: is treatment ever really over? Or will I get caught in a perpetual, neverending loop? Some sort of doctor’s trap?

See, I’ve already talked myself out of it. Too much work, too much anxiety. No thanks.

But anyway, yesterday I resolved to create and follow a schedule every day to help with my mood and the organizational structure of my day. Because as much as I hate to admit it, I desperately need structure. Otherwise I fall apart. So I’ve realized. And this schedule includes writing and reading and meditating (which I’ve been seriously slacking on) and applying to jobs and going out and seeing movies when I can. And exercising.

I’m not sure what I hate more about winter: The fact that my nose constantly runs in cold weather, or that I can’t go outside for walks on a whim. It kills me that I can’t go outside without freezing my ass off. And because of that I haven’t really been exercising. I think my body’s been feeling the adverse effects of that. I mean, forget being fit, I’m in it for the endorphins (and let’s be honest, the extra calories I earn for the day).

So today was day #2 of the schedule attempt and I think it went well. I’m definitely feeling way better than this weekend. I’m feeling more productive and at least more willing to participate in my environment.

I’m also trying not to sleep in as much; resolving to, anyway.

Sometimes it’s hard for me to tell whether I sleep in because I’m tired or I sleep in because I’m depressed. I think I’ve caught up on my sleep since last semester and I think I owe it to myself to stop being such a bum and wake up, meditate, and work out as early as possible (I’ve been aiming for 6 AM).

So listen, if you’re reading this post and have experienced depression (and/or it’s best friend Anxiety) or are currently experiencing it, please know you’re not alone. I deal with it on a nearly every day basis. It’s a very real thing (that the winter seems to make worse).

Although I don’t think I should be giving any sort of advice (since I can’t even push to get help for myself), I will say the schedule-making, my parental support group, and music have all been helping. And if you think that could help you too, by all means please try making that schedule, talk to your parents, and listen to that music you love.

These clouds usually do pass, even if they linger a little longer than we like.



With Sweaty Hands

With sweaty hands and minor trepidation, she pulls her big ol’ button-up gray sweater up and over her head and begins to write for the first time in a long time…

…because it is you, Dear Reader, that I’ve been thinking about on this snowy December evening; where I have self-barricaded myself indoors, celebrating the first day of a monthly gift given to me by Mother Nature herself, unaffiliated with holidays; Given to me for the first time at twelve years old with an impossible refusal during a December school day many moons ago. It is a gift that will continue to give, until I am likely middle-aged and with much more Life lived, perhaps more sway in my hips, along with many more stories to tell.

They say she’s a good writer, but she doesn’t believe them.

So where to begin? Well, allow me to dive right into my day:

I unwillingly woke early this morning, groggy as hell. Grey skies and pressing responsibilities do not go well together. The past couple of mornings I’ve nursed and cradled my coffee like a crutch. But there is something about the warmth and bitter and feeling accomplished when the cup is fully drunk…Perhaps more of my undying love affair with coffee later. I mean, what can you expect when my idols are Captain Janeway and Lorelai Gilmore? 😉

I’ve been slightly addicted to this Star Trek Timelines game that I found out about via like-minded Trek fans about on Twitter. It’s been out for a year, but I haven’t heard of it until recently. It’s been eating up little moments of my time lately, and more often that I’d like to admit. But anyway, I played that for a bit and soon realized time was escaping me, so I quickly got dressed. The shirt I chose is one my brother got me for a birthday present in October and it’s a shirt I cherish dearly. It says, “Vulcan In The Streets, Klingon In The Sheets”. Definitely one of my most favorite shirts. I’m so lucky to have a brother who knows me so well. I am also very cognizant of the fact that I primarily clothe myself in Star Trek merch and band merch and I have 0 problem with that.

And then today was primarily spent editing a final project with a friend/classmate of mine. From about 10 to 3 we were diligently worked on that and I’m very happy to report it is now done and submitted. I only now have to worry about submitting a final paper (that I haven’t started writing yet…) that’s due Tuesday. But I’ll worry about that tomorrow.

I came home as the first magic moments of snow began to descend, craving hot water bottles and tea and chocolate and sweatpants. I feel very fortunate to have gotten all those things almost immediately as I walked in. My mom stayed home sick, but she somehow managed to procure chocolate and make me tea despite her condition. Moms are angels. My mom is an angel.

I was supposed to see a movie with friends tonight. I recently got the MoviePass card that I’m stoked to use. But I erred on the side of caution (as well as taking into account my physical ailments) and stayed home because of the weather. Good thing too because I just got a email a few minutes ago from MoviePass saying my card will be activated tomorrow, which would have meant if I’d have gone to the movie tonight, I wouldn’t have been able to use my card.

So I’ve been home, had a light dinner with my family, drank some whiskey, and I’ve been sitting up in bed, going between two books. I listened to the Simon & Garfunkel Greatest Hits record and damn, if that album isn’t life-affirming. It’s records like those that make you actually feel good when you listen to them. There’s not a bad song on it, and I mean yeah, it’s their greatest hits, but I don’t know…there’s just something magical about the whole thing. Simon & Garfunkel are legends.

In a moment of self-reflection as we approach the end of 2017…

It’s funny because I started this blog in the summer of 2013 with a whirlwind of doubt, uncertainty, and insecurity at my back with doubts and fears invading my mind; a fresh young graduate thrust upon the world, having worked so hard, having felt it was all for nothing. And four years later, I think the winds have changed in their intensity and color, and I don’t worry about the same things anymore. But some unknowns have remained the same. Like what does my future look like? I’m still unsure…

But with that said, I’m constantly grateful for all the people I’ve met while at Montclair State. I never thought I could or would “meet new people” or make new friends, but I have and I did. And I’m not sure where I be without them and without my going-back-to-school experience. Even if I never get a job in the television industry, I’m so unspeakably filled with gratitude these past few years. I’m not sure where I’d be without my MSU friends.

Final Thoughts…

The world is crazy these days. Sometimes it’s extremely difficult for me to navigate through and keep my head on straight. I urge you, Dear Reader, to keep on swimming, keep on treading. Keep reading, keep creating, keep seeking Truth, and living Life the best you know how. The biggest middle finger we can give to the current state of affairs, the best way to rebel, is to unapologetically be ourselves, spread love and acceptance, and like Simba, “laugh in the face of danger”.



You Were Sitting In The Tall Grass

You were sitting in the tall grass thinking about God.

Gazing up, staring into the sun

wondering why all these things were made for you.

You looked away and saw spots.

Didn’t cry, but felt a raindrop.

It made your skin melt.

You peered up as the breeze blew

and for miles and miles you could see the grasses,

coaxed from their stillness against the blue sky,

swaying like they were born to do this.

It looked



Too heavy to be lifted, your eyes began to close

to dream of a time when you never have to go home.

So you lay down

and keep quiet,

and stay hidden in the tall grass.

🎶 I was gone for a minute now I’m back – 🎶

Surprise! Surprise!

Look who’s back on the blogosphere! (A.K.A. Me)

After returning from a two-week long family vacation to Virginia last month, I immediately bought the domain to ‘’. I’m not entirely sure why, but it was one of the first things I did. I felt frantic, anxious, and disorganized when I came home. Something about reality hitting you after a vacation – and two weeks can sometimes seem like two months. Yikes! Time!

So I bought the damn thing, perhaps in an attempt to control a small part of my life, the other part being 99% destined to Fate by way of Serendipity somehow…I don’t know, I’m still figuring it all out.

So within the past two years, I haven’t posted anything (aside from a short poem) on Roe Knows Best since my Nonna’s death, which occurred literally two years ago today.

Needless to say, I really didn’t feel like writing anymore after that.

Also since her passing, everything I’ve attempted to bake or cook has been an absolute disaster; My heart’s not in it anymore. It doesn’t bring me the joy it used to.

But I don’t know…My mind whirrs and stirs and sings sometimes and I got the feel-good notion that, “Hey, maybe I should start up that blog again!”. It felt good to think the thought and imagine things to write about and laugh about and share with you all.

And today, being the two-year anniversary, seemed fitting.

Honestly, I think a large part of rebooting Roe Knows Best had to do with reading Wil Wheaton’s Just A Geek a few months ago. It just inspired me so much to get out there and do the thing. As my first real celebrity crush and I being a major Trek nerd, Wil Wheaton pulls a lot of weight with me. The book really hit me harder than I thought it would; I related to it on an astonishing level. And it’s so funny/interesting because when I was a tween and early teen (’02-’05), I would go to on a regular basis, reading his blog. Until I read the book, I forgot all about those years; Those years you had to seek out your websites and your fandoms – Before news feeds and social media! I even recall reading the first chapter or so of Just A Geek from his site. (Also in the acknowledgements at the end he says he listened to The Get Up Kids and Saves The Day while writing/editing the book?! How freakin’ cool is that?!) It’s definitely a book that’s changed my life.


So some other things going on…

  • I’m aiming to graduate with a second Bachelor’s degree in May 2018. Internships and job interviews still make me nervous as hell though. Every day is a balancing act between cynicism and optimism.
  • I’m currently (and happily) employed.
  • I’ve met so many cool people within the past two years, it’s frankly unbelievable to me.
  • More or less, I feel like I’m in a pretty good mental space. Granted, I always guilt-trip myself for still living at home and not having life figured out at 26, but I mostly try not to entertain the thought or when I do, give the ol’ middle finger to voice in my brain that guilt-trips me out. (Also my parents have been extremely kind, sweet, understanding, and supportive and seem to be very much against my self-guilt tripping)
  • I’ve been reading A LOT more. WOW. Check me out on goodreads.
  • I recently got into and finished all of Gilmore Girls – DEAR.LORD. everyday I wake up with an explosion of feels regarding this series. Will someone please sit down and talk with me about the Gilmore greatness?!
  • I also wrote a pretty dope paper on Captain Janeway last year and presented it TWICE (once at the NJCA conference and the other time at the Montclair State University Student Symposium), so I now consider myself to be a Janeway authority. When am I meeting Kate Mulgrew? For real though – It is one of the best papers I’ve ever written and I am incredibly proud of it. Hell, if you wanna read it, I’ll send it to ya!


Some goals I’d like to achieve with this BLOG REBOOT (#RoeKnowsBest2020):

  • Sharing songs/playlists/albums I’m currently into (in hopes that you’ll check them out too).
  • Sharing feelings and, perhaps at times, things I’m going through, openly and honestly. Mental health has become increasingly important to me as I’ve gotten older (especially after my own minor mental breakdown after the presidential election) and I think the best way to overcome certain obstacles is to ultimately know that we’re not alone. And if you’re reading this, I want you to know that you’re not alone. If you know me, you know I usually project myself to the outside world as a positive, happy-go-lucky person and I am. But I’m also undeniably human and I experience an array of emotions including but not limited to intense doubt, anxiety, and at times depression. Life is freakin’ hard, but it is also pretty amazing and incredible and I think it’s worth seeing through.
  • I’m still writing songs, but home recording became so damn exhausting and Pro Tools is expensive. (Additionally, everyday I send up a prayer up to Baby Jesus that my 2009 Macbook (that definitely needs a new battery and hard drive and that I’m more than qualified to install/replace but it’s falling apart physically, so it’s like why bother?) doesn’t die on me. I’m afraid to install a document on this thing, nevermind a full-fledged DAW. Also, it only has 4 GB of RAM; It’s a miracle I recorded anything at all on it. But really, I’m just waiting for the thing to die. It’s a mess. But with that said – I’d really like to start recording more videos of me performing songs again, whether they be originals or covers. If anyone has a local studio hook up, let me know! I’m definitely overdue to record a song in a professional space.
  • Engaging you all as readers/friends/fans/fam. If you’ve made it this far down the post, you are so great. Thank you. One of the coolest things in life is communicating and connecting and again – affirming that we are not alone; Community and acceptance and validation are so important (at least to me!). Feel free to join my email list, which you should be able to do so on the upper-right hand side of the page. That way you’ll get a email every time I post something new. 🙂


Closing Notes:

Visually the blog is in pretty terrible shape. I plan to change up the theme, fix up the menu, rewrite my About page, I don’t know…that’s all I can really think of for now. Any suggestions to spruce up the page? Let me know! I wanna make it pretty/visually appealing.

Thank you all again SO MUCH for tuning in.

Here’s to creating more RKB content for you to enjoy!

I’m putting on my thinking cap…and ONWARD!

All love.




Dodecagon x ∞

Mary Poppins is goddamn everything.

My head feels like a brick after a long day of leisure

proving you can have too much of a good thing.

I suppose you’re asking yourself some questions.

You’re not the only one.

I know I’ve been thinking a lot about masks

and whether or not we really have control over our emotions;

about guilt.

It affects the breath in the strangest way.

I’m not even close to taming it.

And can I tell you a secret?

I don’t know what I’m doing.

There’s days I’m drunk enough to shake it off;

there’s days it scares the hell out of me.

But what if I never find a happy medium?


I’ll be quiet now.

I’m a dodecagon times infinity.

Miserably eternal.

I’m everywhere so much that maybe it doesn’t much matter at all.

Every day is “to be continued…”

‘Til then.