invisibility cloak, dementor’s kiss

I was recently informed tonight that someone I knew quite well died suddenly.

And as soon as I heard the news through the cell phone receiver on a phone call that was not mine, I could feel the energy being sucked from my body. Like a dementor’s kiss, but the dementor has an invisibility cloak. I can’t see it, only feel it. Feel my energy slipping, slipping away as my body grieves what my eyes (and ears) cannot process.

I felt like falling and collapsing.

I (still) feel my energy dwindling.

I feel lightheaded and sad.

And in disbelief.

But maybe mostly stunned and sad.

When I feel like this, I like to be left alone in silence; No TV on, don’t talk to me, no music.

I need the silence to cradle the moment or else I might break.

I had to call someone to tell them the news. And it was hard.

And now I’m sitting in silence, hoping this will provide a minor cathartic release.

But I’m not sure if it is…

Thank Gosh

Thank Gosh for movies, Thank Gosh for friends

Thank Gosh for silver tequila, Thank Gosh for the soundtracks from 80s b-side movies that no one remembers

Thank Gosh for two-sided conversations, Thank Gosh for car rides

Thank Gosh for heat in the winter and cold in the summer

Thank Gosh for water when I’m thirsty, Thank Gosh for the freedom not to care

Thank Gosh for silence and being alone and warm sheets and that moment right before you fall asleep that’s almost like the anticipation of a kiss

Thank Gosh for good-natured laughter, Thank Gosh for the listeners and observers with wide eyes and a full heart

Thank Gosh for the moment when anxiety leaves your body and you let yourself believe it’ll never come back, but also know that it probably will and oh my Gosh, this won’t last forever

Thank Gosh for the ability to try, Thank Gosh for clarity

Thank Gosh for now and then and now

Thank Gosh for that sunset this evening and that crescent moon with its sharpened blade

Thank Gosh for accomplishments making us feeling accomplished

Thank Gosh for fitting in with the out-crowd

Thank Gosh for all the memories, Thank Gosh for the ability to let some go

Thank Gosh for companionship and love, but maybe also for all the bad things in the world, so we can tell them apart from the good.

Thank Gosh for honesty and balance

Thank Gosh for the rules that I’ve learned so I know how to break them.

Thank Gosh for parents and brothers who care

Thank Gosh for forgiveness and patience

Thank Gosh for the nighttime peace that overtakes me as I will myself to close eyes and leave this planet for awhile

to enter the unconscious realm of dream that is connected with some dimension of the afterlife where maps exist and paths are being drawn and made and transmitted by radio into the synapses of our minds, making our hearts thump a little faster and harder as we wake up, trying to figure out what it all means.

Because we can’t take the map with us. So Thank Gosh.

because figuring it out is part of the journey.

And what is human existence without that?


Hi Fam!

So I had a good day today. I woke up a little later than I wanted to, but I guess that’s what you get when you don’t go to bed ’til 1…I’m still working on that bedtime routine. (Personally, I blame Star Trek Timelines).

I got my meditation and exercise out of the way and honestly spent most of the day creating a website to house my film/TV portfolio. I’ve created and completed so many projects (eight in about two years) while at Montclair State and wanted a place to house them all so prospective employers could view them in one place. So I made it, it’s done, and it looks beautiful. It is also password protected and for the eyes of my future employers only. ūüôā =. I feel proud, accomplished, and excited. I am¬†thrilled.

Additionally, I applied to an internship that got me¬†stoked! And I wrote a¬†really good cover letter for my application. I’m usually my worst critic and will nit-pick everything I write to death, but I’m proud of this cover letter and really hope I get an interview. Fingers crossed!

Aside from that, I finally went out to see¬†Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri and¬†really enjoyed it. Frances McDormand is everything. Seriously. If you haven’t seen this film, do yourself a favor and please go see it. Definitely worth the Golden Globe for Best Picture. And when the movie let out, I serendipitously ran into two friends of mine who had just got out of Lady Bird across the theater I was in. (Another wonderful film that everyone should see.) So that was all nice and good; We talked for a bit and then went our separate ways.

One thing I continue to notice in all these new films coming out lately is there are a lot of stories being told about parental relationships. And I’m not sure if that’s even been done en masse before. And I like that a lot.

If I’ve discovered anything about myself these past few years it’s that I highly value stories. I hunger for them. I want to tell them, I want to participate in them, I want to listen to them. Good stories are art. And art makes Life worth living. As long as I’m creating or partaking, I’ll think Life is worth living. It’s in these moments that peace exists and feels as though it could stretch out infinitely, forever.

The Nihilistic Weekend

I think I’m cursed.

I spent this past weekend¬†extremely¬†depressed. And when I say¬†extremely depressed. I mean¬†so.fucking.depressed. I became caught in this nihilistic loop I couldn’t shake (thanks, all that¬†Nietzsche I’ve been reading lately). Like:

Nothing matters.

There’s no point to anything.

Why try to do anything when there’s no point?

What’s the point of getting up in the morning?

Everything sucks, so why try?

If something’s meant to be, why try?

Why try to do anything? What’s the point?

Stuff like that. And then I proceeded to not get dressed or take a shower. And I stayed in my pajamas all day, watching Seinfeld for hours and hours, doing absolutely nothing and then felt like shit for doing absolutely nothing. Because I tend to judge my day (and myself) based on my productivity.

And I don’t think a lot of people know that I can get really fucking depressed. I’m kind of split 50/50 between introvert and extrovert and it really fucks with me. Not to say that introverts get more depressed than extroverts and vice versa, but you know what I mean. Because sometimes I can be very positive and very sociable, but then I can also get trapped into these shitty headspaces that become very difficult for me to break out of and I end up secluding myself from others.

This weekend had me crying a lot and attempting to talk out these nihilistic feelings with my parents. And even though nothing they said helped, talking with them did. And I feel so unworthy that I have them sometimes. (Although neither of them are saints and they can drive me absolutely fucking crazy when they want to.)

I feel unworthy about a lot of things.

I think I’m one of those people that has a really hard time asking for help. And maybe it’s not so much asking for help, but asking for help when¬†I¬†need it. I have this vulnerability complex; Like I’m afraid to be seen as weak or vulnerable. And I know that’s not good. And I’m not sure why I feel that way or know how to overcome it. I mean, sure, I can push myself to ask for help in certain situations, particularly when they are in the moment and I have very little time to think about them. But for something like this? I don’t know….

Truth be told, I probably should be seeing a therapist or something, but there’s a stubborn part of me that refuses to make the effort. All that paperwork, explaining my life story, health insurance bullshit that’s sure to ensue. There’s too much anxiety in the actual process for me to go seek help. And that’s kind of funny in a way, I guess. And then: is treatment ever really over? Or will I get caught in a perpetual, neverending loop? Some sort of doctor’s trap?

See, I’ve already talked myself out of it. Too much work, too much anxiety. No thanks.

But anyway, yesterday I resolved to create and follow a schedule every day to help with my mood and the organizational structure of my day. Because as much as I hate to admit it, I desperately need structure. Otherwise I fall apart. So I’ve realized. And this schedule includes writing and reading and meditating (which I’ve been seriously slacking on) and¬†applying to jobs and going out and seeing movies when I can. And exercising.

I’m not sure what I hate more about winter: The fact that my nose constantly runs in cold weather, or that I can’t go outside for walks on a whim. It¬†kills me that I can’t go outside without freezing my ass off. And because of that I haven’t really been exercising. I think my body’s been feeling the adverse effects of that. I mean, forget being fit, I’m in it for the endorphins (and let’s be honest, the extra calories I earn for the day).

So today was day #2 of the schedule attempt and I think it went well. I’m definitely feeling way better than this weekend. I’m feeling more productive and at least more willing to participate in my environment.

I’m also trying not to sleep in as much; resolving to, anyway.

Sometimes it’s hard for me to tell whether I sleep in because I’m tired or I sleep in because I’m depressed. I think I’ve caught up on my sleep since last semester and I think I owe it to myself to stop being such a bum and wake up, meditate, and work out as early as possible (I’ve been aiming for 6 AM).

So listen, if you’re reading this post and have experienced depression (and/or it’s best friend Anxiety) or are currently experiencing it, please know you’re not alone. I deal with it on a nearly every day basis. It’s a very real thing (that the winter seems to make worse).

Although I don’t think I should be giving any sort of advice (since I can’t even push to get help for myself), I will say the schedule-making, my parental support group, and music have all been helping. And if you think that could help you too, by all means please try making that schedule, talk to your parents, and listen to that music you love.

These clouds usually do pass, even if they linger a little longer than we like.



With Sweaty Hands

With sweaty hands and minor trepidation, she pulls her big ol’ button-up gray sweater up and over her head and begins to write for the first time in a long time…

…because it is you, Dear Reader, that I’ve been thinking about on this snowy December evening; where I have self-barricaded myself indoors, celebrating the first day of a monthly gift given to me by Mother Nature herself, unaffiliated with holidays; Given to me for the first time at twelve years old with an impossible refusal during a December school day many moons ago. It is a gift that will continue to give, until I am likely middle-aged and with much more Life lived, perhaps more sway in my hips, along with many more stories to tell.

They say she’s a good writer, but she doesn’t believe them.

So where to begin? Well, allow me to dive right into my day:

I unwillingly woke early this morning, groggy as hell. Grey skies and pressing responsibilities do not go well together. The past couple of mornings I’ve nursed and cradled my coffee like a crutch. But there is something about the warmth and bitter and feeling accomplished when the cup is fully drunk…Perhaps more of my undying love affair with coffee later. I mean, what can you expect when my idols are Captain Janeway and Lorelai Gilmore? ūüėČ

I’ve been slightly addicted to this Star Trek Timelines game that I found out about via like-minded Trek fans about on Twitter. It’s been out for a year, but I haven’t heard of it until recently. It’s been eating up little moments of my time lately, and more often that I’d like to admit. But anyway, I played that for a bit and soon realized time was escaping me, so I quickly got dressed. The shirt I chose is one my brother got me for a birthday present in October and it’s a shirt I cherish dearly. It says, “Vulcan In The Streets, Klingon In The Sheets”. Definitely one of my most favorite shirts. I’m so lucky to have a brother who knows me so well. I am also very cognizant of the fact that I primarily clothe myself in Star Trek merch and band merch and I have 0 problem with that.

And then today was primarily spent editing a final project with a friend/classmate of mine. From about 10 to 3 we were diligently worked on that and I’m very happy to report it is now¬†done and¬†submitted. I only now have to worry about submitting a final paper (that I haven’t started writing yet…) that’s due Tuesday. But I’ll worry about that tomorrow.

I came home as the first magic moments of snow began to descend, craving hot water bottles and tea and chocolate and sweatpants. I feel very fortunate to have gotten all those things almost immediately as I walked in. My mom stayed home sick, but she somehow managed to procure chocolate and make me tea despite her condition. Moms are angels. My mom is an angel.

I was supposed to see a movie with friends tonight. I recently got the MoviePass card that I’m stoked to use. But I erred on the side of caution (as well as taking into account my physical ailments) and stayed home because of the weather. Good thing too because I just got a email a few minutes ago from MoviePass saying my card will be activated tomorrow, which would have meant if I’d have gone to the movie tonight, I wouldn’t have been able to use my card.

So I’ve been home, had a light dinner with my family, drank some whiskey, and I’ve been sitting up in bed, going between two books. I listened to the Simon & Garfunkel Greatest Hits record and damn, if that album isn’t life-affirming. It’s records like those that make you actually¬†feel good when you listen to them. There’s not a bad song on it, and I mean yeah, it’s their greatest hits, but I don’t know…there’s just something magical about the whole thing. Simon & Garfunkel are legends.

In a moment of self-reflection as we approach the end of 2017…

It’s funny because I started this blog in the summer of 2013 with a whirlwind of doubt, uncertainty, and insecurity at my back with doubts and fears invading my mind; a fresh young graduate thrust upon the world, having worked so hard, having felt it was all for nothing. And four years later, I think the winds have changed in their intensity and color, and I don’t worry about the same things anymore. But some unknowns have remained the same. Like what does my future look like? I’m still unsure…

But with that said, I’m constantly grateful for all the people I’ve met while at Montclair State. I never thought I could or would “meet new people” or make new friends, but I have and I did. And I’m not sure where I be without them and without my going-back-to-school experience. Even if I never get a job in the television industry, I’m so unspeakably filled with gratitude these past few years. I’m not sure where I’d be without my MSU friends.

Final Thoughts…

The world is crazy these days. Sometimes it’s extremely difficult for me to navigate through and keep my head on straight. I urge you, Dear Reader, to keep on swimming, keep on treading. Keep reading, keep creating, keep seeking Truth, and living Life the best you know how. The biggest middle finger we can give to the current state of affairs, the best way to rebel, is to unapologetically be ourselves, spread love and acceptance, and like Simba, “laugh in the face of danger”.