pro-crast

I’m procrastinating getting ready for work.

It’s after 12. I still have time, but I need to call an Uber today because my mom isn’t home to drive me to the train; So I need to allot enough time for that.

I’ve also been procrastinating watching the latest Star Trek: Discovery episode? I’m not sure why. Yesterday I spent nearly the entire day home watching TV and instead of watching it, I caught up on like, 2 or 3 shows and then started watching 3 new shows. Whoops. I’ve been pretty successful at avoiding spoilers so far. (Twitter was/possibly still is a minefield.) Maybe I’ll watch it tomorrow because this morning I started watching One Mississippi with Tig Notaro.

While I’m typing, I’m also listening / “screening” my playlist for next month. It’s something I do, to make sure all the songs flow right. I know it’s not April yet, but my playlists are something I care about and mildly obsess over – for if anyone should listen or stumble upon it, I want it to be as perfect as possible. Transitions are everything.

I’ve also started going through a lot of magazines in my room that I’ve been holding on to and I’m not sure why I have been? Rolling Stones and APs and SPINs and a few Vibes and Guitar Worlds. Not that I’ll ever read them again (or I”m not even sure if I read them the first time). I was actually able to unload a lot of Transworld Skateboarding magazines a couple years ago on eBay. I’m going to try to do the same thing with these, though there are a few I will hold on to for sentimental reasons. But yeah, they just been in my room forever gathering dust (but they’re in EXCELLENT, UNTOUCHED condition). During my teenage years, I guess I thought it was very important to have a ongoing magazine subscription. SO many magazines that, again, I don’t even remember reading that much! It’s another step in the process of clearing out my room. I have a lot of old furniture in there that I’m trying to get rid of, namely desks. But I can’t get rid of the desks without clearing them off first, you know? Anyway – I also gotta gather together my snax and make my PBJ for dinner tonight. Haven’t done that yet…

It’s another beautiful day, but cold. Think I got a notification on my phone that says the weather’s going to be warming up soon (and stay consistent), which is also bittersweet because I sweat so much…Ha!

Alright, well I’m going to try to get dressed and whatnot; get ready. Maybe get in a little Nietzsche reading in before I hit the road. Realized I understand that guy best when I read it aloud, which I really should only do in the quiet, solitary privacy of my own home. He gets very complicated and complex very quickly. Not even sure why I started reading him in the first place. But this girl finishes what she starts.

And this post has now been finished.

Peace, y’all.

 

decompression #1

I remember staring at the ceiling in your apartment, laying on your hardwood floor – alone – listening to Chaos and Creation in the Backyard, loudly. So loud, I could feel the vibration of the music through the floor. And you had told me earlier that week that you liked to play music loud, that it was the only way to listen to it. And so I listened.

You had invited me out, but I declined. You wanted to introduce me to your friends, but in the moment of the invitation, I suddenly felt emotionally strange and perhaps grief-stricken. And maybe I also just felt awkward. And didn’t want to meet your friends, preferring to be alone. I tend to find myself in corners, having a habit of blurring the lines of my life, becoming this indefinable individual; bearing a title that’s not quite accurate, not quite encompassing all of me. It was a lot to explain. I didn’t know who to be for you.

And that summer I felt very strongly attached to you, and with good reason. It was difficult to define, to explain. But I was a newcomer in a different place, I was your guest. I was along for the ride. So keeping my mouth shut, I basked in whatever flowed around me. And there was a lot. And it truly was wonderful.

I left a paper on your coffee table that I wished I had brought home with me. Maybe your scribbles could have brought comfort on a dark, uncertain evenings when you would go radio silent, or when I would doubt my life.

You made me want to believe in the future. You made me believe in myself. You gave me joy and importance and made me feel like I mattered. And it changed my life. You changed my life.

So when you opened the door to find me on the floor of your apartment, listening to Chaos and Creation in the BackyardI continued to lay there and perhaps glanced up, the spell still partially intact. I trusted you. I explained my sadness. You understood.

 

self-care

self care is background music, blowing smoke out the window in giddy silence

self care is snacks and eating whatever you want (while logging it in your food tracker)

self care is clear blue sky walks with sunglasses and more music, but closer to your eardrums

self care is taking big deep breaths; so deep you can feel them fill your lungs

self care is watching birds watch you

self care is having seconds and knowing when enough is enough

self care is all-day pajamas, anything goes tv marathon

self care is sunshine and laughter,

a solitary afternoon in your own company

no obligations, but to yourself

to live the human experience

emotional self-reliance

freedom – no fear

Nina Simone-timbred, blue floodlight vocals

and jazz and good pop music that will surely

break your heart.

 

sunday

It’s Sunday morning and I just finished having a fairly delicious Honeycrisp apple with cinnamon and almond butter. You know when I woke up my body said, “Drape me in bacon!”, but my mind was more like, “Let’s go with that apple”. So I did. And I guess my body is appreciative of that too.

I was supposed to work today, but long story short ended up not having to. So now I’m off and home and it’s glorious. I think I want to focus on reading today. Finishing up The Goblet of Fire at least. That, and hanging up my guitar wall mounts with my dad. I’m trying to just clear some floor space in my room and the mounts weren’t expensive so I’m happy about that. Really getting into that spring cleaning vibe.

Yesterday I did end up going to yoga with a friend. It was a really challenging class (even for her and she’s a yoga instructor), but I tried to pace myself, breathe, take my time, and really move at my own pace, not doing anything that I knew I couldn’t or felt uncomfortable. I am sore today, but it’s not too bad.

It looks really beautiful out today. Crisp blue sky, barely any clouds, clear sunshine. But it’s still too cold to go on a walk. Though I just checked my weather app and it looks like it is supposed to get up to 58 today! I may go for a mid-afternoon walk if that’s the case.

But for now, I’m continuing to sip my mid-morning coffee and attempting to hold together the emotional fragility that often seems to permeate this household. -_-

It’s a task I find myself engaged in far too frequently.

 

Rocking Horse

It’s almost 1 AM and I’m not sure why I’m still so awake. I do have work tomorrow…at 11. I still need to be up at a respectable time. But damn, I am up and alert.

I know it’s been a little bit since I’ve hit up the ol’ blog. Not sure where we left off…but I bought a Gibson Les Paul, work has been busy but great, and I’ve fallen off my yoga game. Haven’t been in a bit and really need to make the time to go back and getting into a routine again. Might go Saturday morning. Balancing yoga with work has been tough lately.

The Gibson plays great, though I still swear up and down this thing needs a neck adjustment. I’m starting to hear a little buzz on the 1st and 2nd strings at the 1st fret. Like I’ll pay the damn $65 for the setup, I’d just like my strings not to buzz, thanks.

I wrote a new song tonight. It’s one of those songs that as I was writing it, I wasn’t sure what the hell I was writing about but I kept going with it ’til I finished. It’s kind of like sculpting in that way; Like, I don’t know what shape I’m going to end up with, but I’m following the marble, you know? It’s part improvisational, part intuition(al?). But yeah I wrote this song about sex and money. And then after sitting with it for awhile, I realized another way to read it is that it could definitely be about heroin. Which kind of makes sense if my subconscious was at the wheel writing this thing; This past weekend I finished up a podcast called Crimetown, and Season 2 talks about the history of Detroit corruption and drugs (namely heroin) is a big part of that story. It’s kind of been in my mind, rattling around. Here are the lyrics:

[Verse 1]
Rocking horse and Canadian money
Gonna make it out of this one fine
Rocking horse and my sexuality
Baby, baby won’t you help me cross that line?
[Verse 2]
Fill the bag to the brim – don’t question me
Cash and carry and I don’t wanna know why
Your driver’s seat with the window open
Now ask me what it’s like to feel alive.
[Chorus]
I live on the edge
I’m dangerous
And I’ll never forget
The way you touch
me in bed
and give me head.
Expensive memories.
Shallow regret.
[Verse 3]
Silver stallion in lucrative industry
I feel the groove of the saddle against my thighs
“Rebel Rebel”, but you ain’t foolin’ me.
Making it look so easy, you don’t even try.
[Verse 4]
And you’re a sweet ideal. Automatic love affair.
Expert level all the time
Back and forth in arbitrary movement.
But he’s not a poet, he is just some guy.
[Chorus]
I live on the edge
I’m dangerous
And I’ll never forget
The way you touch
me in bed
and give me head.
Expensive memories.
Shallow regret.
[Outro]
Rocking horse and Canadian money
Gonna make it out of this one fine

But anyway, you don’t have to take my word for it – As a songwriter all the songs I write will usually have purpose and meaning particular to me, but that doesn’t mean it can’t have more than one meaning, or a different meaning to someone else. It’s all kind of fluid in that way, IMO.

So the last time I was at yoga was actually two weeks ago I think. It was this self-love workshop which incorporated crystals and reiki and a light warm vinyasa flow. And I had this really awesome transcendental experience I’d like to write about. But I don’t know if I have it in me tonight to do it. Perhaps another time.

Going to see if I can fall into a good night’s sleep. I’m starting to yawn, so maybe I’ll just roll with that too. See where it takes me. More soon.

-RKB