My Colorblindness

My eye doctor didn’t believe me. Though the nurse had done the test less than 10 minutes before, he did it again. He wanted to determine for himself, see with his own eyes, that I was colorblind.

It’s a hereditary trait on my dad’s side of the family. In fact, my dad has it too. The reason why my eye doctor wanted to be so sure was mainly because colorblindness is extremely rare in girls. That’s what he told me, anyway.

Sometimes I can’t tell the difference between green and brown, blue and purple, green and yellow, red and brown, grey and green. They’re those in-between shades; The ones that border on another, those ambiguous colors.

I don’t see black and white. Well I can see black and white, but that’s not all I see. There was a kid in my high school like that. Could you imagine your waking life appearing like a 1950s sitcom and having no reference point that in fact it does?

Sometimes when I look up at the sky, I wonder if I’m missing out somehow. I wonder if the blue is more blue to someone else and I’ll just never know what that looks like. And even though this thought practically kills me, I think I’ve gotten used to it. Because at least I have eyes. At least I have eyes that work.

So if you can see the number in the colors, remember there are others who just can’t. All we see are tiny, different-sized circles. We try to make sense of them, to connect bubbles and find a pattern. Blankly staring, thirstily drinking, trying so hard we’re practically drowning. Scanning it over and over, darting back and forth, up and down, blubbering out “ums” and “ahs”, trying to fake it so the doctor won’t see there’s something wrong.

And we are the flawed (or so they say). We experience life in a dimmer light, perhaps. We won’t be able to fly planes, and it may be difficult to coordinate clothes and accessories, our blue sky might end up purple if we paint it without looking at the label.

But what else is there to do but go on? We have to live in the world and say yes to who we are, even if it doesn’t add up to our perfectionist ideals.

That’s what I keep telling myself.

Colorblind Test

Day 28: Build On Your Popular Content

Today’s assignment: Find the post that has received the most views, likes, or comments, and write a related follow-up post.”

On March 29th, I wrote a post as a follow-up to a writing prompt I did about battling the blues. After reading what many other writers had to say about it, I chose one post that resonated most with me and expanded on it. Though I’m not sure if it was my most popular post, I did receive some genuine comments after posting and I got a few “likes” out of it. “Likes” are great but any time I can get a authentic, heartfelt comment out of somebody, that counts as big points in my book.

So today, here is a follow-up to my follow-up. 😉


Similar to how C.G. Jung discovered his own personal myth by recalling what he most enjoyed doing as a child, I myself carry out the same thought process. It’s not so much as to discover the myth I am living by, (I’m still not sure of that yet) but sometimes I do it just to make sure I’m on the right track. It’s source of validation for me, you know? And so far with what I remember, everything is as it should be. I can say for certain that I am on the right path. Though I haven’t reached my destination yet, there have been many signs along the way that have verified my journey and that it is indeed, headed in the right direction.

Here’s a handful of things I tend to think about:

From my youngest age, I always remember being really into music, reading the liner notes of CDs, getting an incredible joy of learning a song on piano, making up melodies, singing in choir, being enraptured by musicals like AnnieMary Poppins, and The Sound of Music. (I’m still enraptured by these musicals, by the way). I mean, come on! I taught myself guitar at age 14 and no one had to even persuade me to practice. (It’s something my dad still talks about). I cried to my parents junior year telling them how important it was for me to take a Music Theory course for my last year of high school, and as many of you know I now have a BA in Music with concentrations in Music Industry and Music Production.

It may be difficult for others to understand the significance of all these little things I recall. But to me they’re more than significant because ultimately, they amount to who and what I am today. All those memories, all those things I did and songs I sang, tears cried, callouses formed, blisters burst – they’re a part of me. The road I chose was never guaranteed to be an easy ride, but honestly the best roads never are nor should they be. All great myths and stories have the same theme of taking the less traveled path. That is where true adventure lies. That is where we discover the true hero in all of us. Because that’s what we are – We are all the protagonist in our own storylines. Fate is the writer (Or Destiny, God, Jesus, Allah, Universe, Unknown Higher Power, etc – whichever you prefer).

Lately, I’ve been getting down about not being able to find a job. It wasn’t even something I was remotely concerned with when I chose my major. I just wanted to learn all I could about what I loved. But now as about a year’s passed since I’ve started Roe Knows Best, I’ve matured a little and realized facing facts is OKAY. I strive to be an independent and personally responsible individual and getting a job is going to be something I have to do in order to attain that. So I’m looking, searching, seeking guidance. And I’ve had some wonderful helpers along the way thus far.

It’s easy to get upset because the unknown can be so daunting; I accept that. But now that we’re in May, I’ve been noticing a common theme in my 2014 horoscope which has been this: Realize the power you have to turn a situation around. Realize the power you have to change your mindset; If you’re feeling negative, think positive. If you’re feeling worthless, remind yourself how much you are worth. If you’re feeling like a nobody, think back to all the things you’ve accomplished and what you mean to others!

And it’s hard. It’s really hard. And this conscious flipping of emotions works better some days than others. But what’s most important is, I have to remind myself that it can’t be done overnight. It takes practice. Even if you’re able to fool yourself for five minutes that things aren’t that bad before you turn back around to seek shelter in your negative wallow, that’s okay. It’s like lifting weights. If you’ve never lifted before, you can’t possibly expect to lift 50 lbs with ease. You have to work up to it: Start with freeweights, than 5 lbs, 10 lbs. Then one day, it won’t be so hard to lift the 50.

And when it comes down to it, you’ll be all the more stronger because of it. Even if it takes a little time.

Today I feel stronger than I did a year ago. And because of that, I think I’ll lift my head a little higher.

The sky is so blue today, the breeze so inviting. Why not take part?

 

The In-Betweens

No more games, no more projects.

I’m removing the restraints, deconstructing the dam.

Let it all flow, the waterfall I’ve been bottling up.

Every excuse I get, I’m gonna put it right here –

even if no one cares.

 

I’ve realized I have nothing to report on my increasingly sad life

except the fact that I’m home all the time,

enraptured by quality television.

A stagnant purgatory of a 21st century making.

I force myself to regurgitate specific times of my day,

but it’s all really pathetic jabber – nothing monumental or important.

My funds flushing away as I still refuse to give up “the dream”.

As I get increasingly fatter. But what is body image, anyway?

This is just a vessel to hold my spirit.

Life’s short.

 

I’m sorry I can’t pull more passion forth.

Thankfully not in love and I guess this is what the in-betweens feel like:

Indifferent apathy.

I’m rattling my cage though. The wave must crash, the sun must rise, the moon must wax and wane.

Get in my head, my soul. I want to tell you all about it one day.

This is rest before the unknown beginning.

It will make for excellent storytelling.

C’mon, Time – I hope you’re on my side.

Day 21: Build On Your New-To-You Format Post, and Let the World Know

Last week I posted a video of me covering “Failure By Design” by Brand New.

With that said, I’d like to tell you about a dream I recently had. The dream itself is not so much “inspired” by the above post but is connected to Brand New, however small that connection is. Plus, it’s slightly hilarious and I really wanna share it with you.

Two nights ago at about 5 am, I practically bolted out of bed with really bad cramps. You know that subconscious state you’re half in, half out of when it’s late at night and you’re in pain? You toss and turn and debate with yourself whether or not to fully take off the covers and get up, or if you can away with forcing yourself to fall back asleep? Well, I was in one of those states.

After taking pills and grabbing a hot water bottle I did my best to soothe myself back to sleep but just couldn’t do it. I was wired, but still had a shroud of dream-vision around me. I’m closing my eyes, trying to find a comfortable position, and now my mind is racing. I couldn’t tell you why it was. I’m not undergoing any unusual amount of stress, but this has happened to me before – My racing mind won’t stop and I begin to formulate a meaningless scenario in my head that is preposterous and unlikely in its own right, but I stress about as though it is a real-life, conscious event that I need to make an immediate decision about.

Before I went to bed I watched a few episodes of Frasier. I TiVo it on the regular. It’s one of my favorite shows of all time. The writing is so genius and the acting so fantastic, each episode is real treat. After finishing up 3 or 4 of them, I went upstairs and continued to listen to Brand New’s Your Favorite Weapon. I had started listening to the album that afternoon and wanted to finish it up before I went to bed. And so I did.

My stress/anxiety/mind-racing dream consisted of me having to make a pertinent decision: I had to incorporate Brand New frontman, Jesse Lacey into an episode of Frasier. I’m embarrassed to say I must’ve spent at least 45 minutes freaking out about it in my subconscious state. I could see the set of Frasier’s apartment and Jesse Lacey standing near the piano a grey/beige long-sleeved shirt – and I had to figure out what to do with him! What would he do? What would he say for his special guest appearance?!

This quasi-lucid dream drove me out of my mind, nevermind the fact I was seriously trying to pair these two unlikely people together (Jesse+Frasier BFF 4E). And it was slightly lucid because I knew I was dreaming! I knew I was in control, but the lines between dream and reality were so blurred because I was so stressed. And instead of changing the scenario and choosing to dream something else, I stayed with it and participated in a hellish perpetual loop. The day before, I had read an article on lucid dreaming in The Atlantic, which no doubt contributed to this strange occurrence.

I actually completely forgot I had this dream until yesterday evening when I went for a walk; It popped back into my head and everything came flooding back.

I have a strange mind, I know this. It’s just all so funny to me. Why does this sort of thing happen? Sleep is supposed to be peaceful and regenerative. Why do our minds create absurdity and why do we allow ourselves to become overly anxious about it? One response could be I have difficulty with decision making (which I admit I do) and so my psyche is attempting to resolve that difficulty to get past that paralysis. Another could be the lack of decisions I’ve had to make in the waking world, so my mind is creating it’s own scenarios in which I must play a role in determining their outcomes. I could go on.

Has anyone else had a half-conscious stress dream like this? Please share in the comments below! I’d love to hear! 🙂

Jesse Lacey
Brand New frontman, Jesse Lacey
Frasier
Dr. Frasier Crane

Day 19: Publish A Post In A New-To-You-Format

So I’m super-bummed I won’t be able to bear witness to this awesome Brand New/Saves The Day/The Front Bottoms UK Tour coming up soon.

So today I’m posting a Brand New cover I did a few months ago.

I don’t usually post videos, so I hope you enjoy.

This is “Failure By Design”.