Roe in TV Land

I recently started watching two shows: Broad City and Californication.

A friend of mine recommended Broad City, but I never followed up on it – ’til now that is, when I found out Comedy Central allows you to stream full episodes. I’m all about that. I don’t like starting shows in the middle. I like starting at the very beginning. That’s just how I am, you know? Especially since I don’t have a lot going on in the cha-ching ($$) department, it’s nice to politely mooch off my parents’ cable and be able to stream shows (legally) online fo’ free! Plus, Broad City just finished up their 1st season, so I don’t have that much catching up to do.

Californication is a show I’ve heard a lot about, but never got a chance to watch. Mostly because when it first came out I was way too young to be watching it. (My parents would have never approved…I’m actually not sure if they’d approve now. The show is very much on the sexual side. Let’s just say it’s not family-friendly. Ha!) But 2 episodes in, the characters seem to have the potential to be interesting and the writing, the potential to be good. I’m just kind of not into the fact that women seem to be literally taking their clothes off at every turn to get with main character, Hank. But we shall see how things progress. I’m giving it a shot.

I like watching TV for the writing. I think fiction is one of mankind’s great inventions; Storytelling is so powerful. Laughs are great too. And suspense keeps you on your toes. It’s like 45 minute vacation.

Who can say no to that?

Blind Rage & A Middle Finger To My D String

Something amusing happened to me today.

Now, I’ve written about how I believe the Universe speaks and sends messages, in what I suspect is a near parallel to how dream and the unconscious functions. At the time it seems some chance occurrence that was either so profound or incredibly frustrating, and you have no idea why the thing occurred. But I’ve found that if you wait these things out, you can accurately determine why the event took place. I’m still in a bit of rage of disbelief and it’s only been a few hours since it happened, so I’m still hypothesizing answers.

With that said, yesterday I was playing guitar in my room when my D string suddenly snapped off. I hate when that happens, and it’s happened to me enough times that I get immediately agitated when it does. And of course I have every other string in the house but that one. So I resolved to walk to my local music shop the next day to get another string so I could quickly replace it (I’m playing a open mic tonight).

So today, at around 11 o’clock, I walk 20 minutes to the local music shop and tell the owner about the string. I end up asking if it’s possible I could just get one string and not the whole pack because I just want to quickly replace it. I know if you change the strings it’s important to treat them like tires – You don’t know replace one, you replace all of them at the same time. That’s just really how it should be done.

[There’s another thing I should probably add here: I’m terrible at changing strings. I mean, I can do it as well as the average guitar player. Sure, I can string it through the tuning knob hole and turn the knob ’til I get the note I need, but within the past few years I’ve been adamant on getting the process right. There’s a certain way to do it so that it looks perfectly coiled (I also believe it’s better for the guitar when it’s done that way too). Imagine how the strings look on the headstock when you walk into a guitar store. I’ve been trying to do that, and every time I do I fail miserably. Only when I do it under the supervision of my guitar tech do I get it right.]

So he’s unsure of what the gauge of the D string should be (for my particular guitar) and hands me a .32 gauge (the thickness of the string, basically) and says, “Well, that should be close to what you need”. My heart seized up – I didn’t want it to be close. I wanted it to be accurate. I’ve strung my guitar with the wrong gauge before and kind of messed up the nut and my saddle. If they’re too fat, it’s not good for the guitar. But I payed for the string anyway and left.

When I left, I still didn’t feel right about it. I even went on Google to search to see if I could find the correct gauge. Long story short, I made myself go back and after telling my story, asked the guy if I could just exchange the string I just bought for a pack of strings (with the correct gauge) and pay the difference. “For peace of mind,” I said. It was no problem at all and he understood.

So I walk all the way back home to change the string. Turns out the whole time the .32 WAS correct. When you by a pack of .11 or .12 gauge strings, the D and A strings are the same size for both sets. (I also confirmed this online) So I kinda felt like an idiot. So I’m changing the string, trying to remember when my tech taught me, I’m winding the string and guess what? It POPS. The string fucking pops off and breaks. I wanted to cry and punch a wall.

That was the only D string I had. Not only that, but I could’ve saved $7 and just bought the original one he sold me!

Blind rage, I tell you. Blind rage.

Luckily, I have another guitar I can use for tonight (who’s strings hopefully won’t break on me) but I’m still pissed.

I ordered a new pack of strings online, and I guess I’ll have to see my guitar tech when they come so we can put them on together and can learn how to do this once and for all.

It’s just so irritating when shit doesn’t work out and goes wrong.

But to go back to my original point – So why did this happen? What’s going on here?

Is there a lesson to be learned? A point to be understood? Just random BS?

Maybe it’s a lesson in “we have no control”; Stop trying so hard; No matter what we do, the end result will be the same.

Maybe it’s bad karma – But to me, even that has a moral when it happens.

And I don’t believe in random chance.

I’m still pondering…and waiting for illumination.

Interview Blues and Golds

I never knew having an interview go so shitty could make me feel so much better about myself (I must do this more often).

But seriously, I intend to.

Let’s just hope it goes a little bit better next time.

See, I’m an interview-newbie; Fresh-outta-college-grad who’s just starting to get her bearings together, slowly but surely beginning to understand how to live in the world. I’m more willing nowadays, too.

Let’s do this thing, you know?

So since I’ve finished up my (unpaid) internship this summer, I’ve been on 5 interviews – not a whole lot, I know – but I’m getting there. The one I had today was a phone interview, which I really don’t mind. It’s just the anticipation of the call that’s irksome sometimes.

So this phone interview – Piece of cake, right? Except for the fact that the job this interviewer was talking about did not match up to the job description AT.ALL. Nor the one I talked to the HR person about – She was my first phone interview regarding the position. Needless to say, I was completely taken aback, shocked even. Oh, it was the same position all right just the details seemed ever-changing and dancing away from what could ever be called “realistic” – at least to me.

Not to disclose too much information, let’s just say I thought this was going to be a clerical/computer job with training but really it was a technical/coding job about a lot of things no one told me I needed to know. So when my would-be supervisor was grilling me on how to run reports and queries for X, Y, and Z I was all like, “HUH?”.

I sounded like a blubber-mouthed, broken record idiot. But you know what? I didn’t mind it one bit. I was nearly laughing to myself. The guy was looking at my resume, but got none of my information right. Even looking at my resume, one would have to see I was not qualified for this job. I’ve been describing it to friends and fam as a “hilarious nightmare”. He then proceeds to quiz me on hypothetical tech situations using terminology I’ve never heard before with me on the other end saying things like, “Well, I don’t know. I’ve never had a position like this before” and “I don’t know, my experience doesn’t cover that”. I don’t even know what the position’s about anymore! The site description said one thing, the HR person another, and this guy did a complete 180 on that.

But I’m glad this happened. Now I know how it feels like to have an interview not go well (because so far *knock on wood* the rest have gone swimmingly). I think it’s important in the grand scheme of things to have experiences like this. It builds character and experience.

So cheers to the next one. And fingers crossed that someone else calls me back.

I know I have a lot to offer, and I’m waiting for my time to shine – in the golden rays of the sun 🙂

What Is My Bliss? …Really.

My mind moves at a million miles a minute, I swear. I’m constantly thinking about 5 million things at once. Yesterday and today it’s been: What is my bliss? No – really.

I don’t think we’re truly self-aware if we don’t constantly question everything we know, or should I say – everything we think we know.

A few months before graduating college I kind of had this profound, deep existential crisis that spiraled into about a week of depression, which consisted of: I don’t want to do music anymore. I hate it and want no part.

And I don’t know where it came from. Maybe anxiety and doubt due to the fact I didn’t have a job lined up, nor did I want to think about one. Could have been a childish response to a part of my youth coming to a close. Maybe I felt too dependent on it and that scared me. Maybe I was just tired of being in school for so long. When talking (or should I say shouting) to my my mom about it, I kept saying things like, “It’s been my life for so long, it’s like I’m not interested anymore” and “I feel like I know all there is to know, and I don’t know what to do with it anymore”.

I don’t think I feel this way anymore. I actually ended up crying in my room for a long time listening to Saves The Day’s Sound The Alarm, so music did get me through it after all (which I really resented at the time). I am still currently pursuing jobs in the music industry, I listen to music everyday, I still write songs, play guitar, etc. I think I just had a crack-up. But there are days (many days) where I catch myself making excuses when it comes to my own songwriting pursuits: Oh, I don’t feel like going to that open mic today and I don’t want to record this week and I don’t feel like going to that show. I almost feel like I’m sabotaging myself (which apparently really is a thing women tend to do according to Women Who Run With The Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes). I am I really lazy and harming my ambitions in the long-run, or am I just generally not interested and should just accept that fact and move on to something else?

All my life I feel I’ve pushed myself (or have been pushed) to do things I sometimes didn’t want to do, and sometimes when I did them, I’d feel really glad that I did. But I don’t know what this is – this feeling of hesitancy and closeted introverted-ness. I cringe at the fact at lugging my guitar somewhere. I like performing, but it’s mainly the fact that I have to go somewhere to go do it. And then that annoying question always lurking in the back of mind: Is this really all worth it?

I like doing things if I can anticipate a positive end result. Maybe that makes me spoiled? I’m not sure. But that’s the way I like to do things. But to be a musician is such an unknown. And I might I sound like a baby going on about this, but I’m really battling these feelings. Does it matter at all? Does anything matter at all?

And I got business cards with my songwriter info on them, I got a new feedback suppressor for my guitar. Why not use them, right?

I guess these thoughts are plaguing me as of late because there was an open mic at a place near me last night, and I decided not to go. To make myself feel better, I decided to go to my friend’s show instead which was in the same town. But then as the hour ticked closer and closer, I became less and less enthused and wanted more and more to just stay home and read or something. I didn’t like how that’s what I felt I really wanted. I felt like I was bullshitting myself – I should have pushed myself to go. Have I just been home for too long and that’s why I feel this way? I’m too comfortable here? (For TNG fans: Will Riker much?) I ended up getting a headache and went to bed right after dinner last night, anyway. So maybe I needed rest and I’m just making a big deal out of nothing.

The place I go to has a weekly open mic and I played it at the beginning of the month. It went great. The next week I had an interview scheduled for the next day, so I decided not to go, opting to go to bed in order to wake up well-rested and prepared. Then yesterday came.

I guess what I’m trying to get at is if I feel at peace, is it worth disturbing that peace to go and pursue something that disrupts that peace in a way? See, I hate the idea of wasting my life. And honestly, right now, I don’t feel that I am. But it’s the thought of the possibility that I am that creeps up on me. What if I could be doing more? But then for what? Why even push myself if it leads to nowhere? Do I just think music is my bliss because it’s been constant in my life? What if it’s not? What if I’ve transcended past that and it’s something else now? What if I’m just wasting my time pursuing some childhood dream? What is my bliss, really? Is there something more or am I just following a shadow of what I think I know?

Has anyone felt like this about anything? Let me know in the comments, y’all >>>

Peace and love,

<3-Roe

September Snapshot

My mom’s started going back to school to get her certification in Spanish Translation. I give her so much credit. She’s the strongest, most determined woman I know. I’m listening to her now doing her homework. She has to listen to these audio passages (some in English, some in Spanish) and then translate them and discern their meanings. They’re legal passages; I suppose examples of courtroom/law scenarios. She keeps repeating how hard it is. I can only imagine – and even that feels like an understatement.

I’m watching the 49ers game on mute while she does this, as to not disturb her. Also, I only have Vernon Davis and Phil Dawson in this game (on my fantasy team) and I’ve already won my matchup. I’ve been really getting into football, and can’t really figure out as to why. I think about it a lot. Like, “Why football? Why now?” Without sounding too cliche or pathetic, maybe it gives me something to believe in. Something to understand and formulate ideas and opinions on, without having it be so serious.

I’m also listening to Nonna in the next room. She gets these belching/indigestion attacks sometimes. She can’t stop and she becomes really uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s caused by antibiotics (which she’s on right now), so it’s probably that because she didn’t really eat anything crazy today that would’ve caused it. I hope she sleeps well tonight. My mom too. Both of them had difficulty falling asleep last night, whereas I went out like a light and slept a good 8 hours. I had a busy day yesterday.

My brother is in marching band. He plays trombone. It’s his first year. Hard work, but he loves it a lot. The team had a breakfast at the high school, and I told him I’d come out to support him. The cafeteria was freezing. I didn’t end up eating anything, as I try to stay away from gluten and dairy on the regular, so I just had some tea. The band had a really awesome performance. They have a really great sound and when you watch them, you can tell they’re all really into it – which I think is great. They were supposed to perform outside, but there was construction and it looked like rain. So they ended up playing in the auditorium – which was also freezing. I brought a hoodie but felt bad for my dad because he didn’t have anything. He ended up putting his arms in his shirt the whole time. I thought it was hilarious.

But anyway, we didn’t get to see the band’s steps, but they did perform on the stage with the drum majors switching every now and then. Even though I couldn’t see my brother (he was in the back with the other trombones), I almost cried a few times. Some of those chords got me right in the feels. Aside from the performance, I was really glad I went because I was able to talk to an old history teacher. He’s definitely one of my top 3 favorite high school teachers, and I was lucky enough to have him for two years – freshman and senior year. He’s the principal now, and it was cool to just kick it with him for a few and chat and laugh about things. It made me feel good about life for awhile.

And I suppose that’s what it’s all about.

I just glanced back at the TV: Chicago scored a touchdown. Niners are up by 10. The game’s a little less than half over. Kaepernick just got a first down. I was expecting Vernon Davis to at least get a touchdown or something. But I guess there’s still time. They’re in the redzone now.

Nonna turned in early. My mom helped put her to bed, despite my insisting that I do it since she has to do her homework. I’m alway railing on her, making sure she’s focusing and not on Facebook – funny how tables turn. Ha! It’s not easy is it?!

I hope the Niners win. I hope I get a call from one of the three companies I interviewed with last week. I hope things work out with a minimum of casualties and unnecessary pain and suffering. Not just in my life, but in other lives. I want to be able to look back on my choices with a smile and someone to hold close at the end of the night.

To close my eyes and feel okay.

Because that’s peace.

And peace opens you up.

I want to be open and accept the good – and the bad.

Because OM.

There you are.