Bad Weather

Is it weird that every time I hear bad weather’s coming or a storm’s approaching, I get excited?

I think it’s that kid part of me; A part of my being still gets excited at no school, no homework, no test tomorrow.

Even when the power goes out, I’m giddy and full of adrenaline.

As the wind hammers the house, I secretly hope it’ll rip off the roof.

When it snows and snows and snows, I hope it never stops – even if I have to shovel it!

Of course, this is all highly dependent on whether or not I have to travel somewhere. But when I’m home and my family’s home, I couldn’t ask for anything more. I just love that cozy feeling; Let’s get trapped together, laugh and drink together. Keep The Weather Channel on in the background. Let’s turn on the news and see where it’s like somewhere else.

There’s been a lot of speculation about this coming winter and how horrible it’s supposed to be and I’m all like, bring it on. I have the shovels and scrapers and cans of anti-freeze and heat-warmers for my gloves. I’m so ready. I’m smiling inside.

What Is My Bliss? …Really.

My mind moves at a million miles a minute, I swear. I’m constantly thinking about 5 million things at once. Yesterday and today it’s been: What is my bliss? No – really.

I don’t think we’re truly self-aware if we don’t constantly question everything we know, or should I say – everything we think we know.

A few months before graduating college I kind of had this profound, deep existential crisis that spiraled into about a week of depression, which consisted of: I don’t want to do music anymore. I hate it and want no part.

And I don’t know where it came from. Maybe anxiety and doubt due to the fact I didn’t have a job lined up, nor did I want to think about one. Could have been a childish response to a part of my youth coming to a close. Maybe I felt too dependent on it and that scared me. Maybe I was just tired of being in school for so long. When talking (or should I say shouting) to my my mom about it, I kept saying things like, “It’s been my life for so long, it’s like I’m not interested anymore” and “I feel like I know all there is to know, and I don’t know what to do with it anymore”.

I don’t think I feel this way anymore. I actually ended up crying in my room for a long time listening to Saves The Day’s Sound The Alarm, so music did get me through it after all (which I really resented at the time). I am still currently pursuing jobs in the music industry, I listen to music everyday, I still write songs, play guitar, etc. I think I just had a crack-up. But there are days (many days) where I catch myself making excuses when it comes to my own songwriting pursuits: Oh, I don’t feel like going to that open mic today and I don’t want to record this week and I don’t feel like going to that show. I almost feel like I’m sabotaging myself (which apparently really is a thing women tend to do according to Women Who Run With The Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes). I am I really lazy and harming my ambitions in the long-run, or am I just generally not interested and should just accept that fact and move on to something else?

All my life I feel I’ve pushed myself (or have been pushed) to do things I sometimes didn’t want to do, and sometimes when I did them, I’d feel really glad that I did. But I don’t know what this is – this feeling of hesitancy and closeted introverted-ness. I cringe at the fact at lugging my guitar somewhere. I like performing, but it’s mainly the fact that I have to go somewhere to go do it. And then that annoying question always lurking in the back of mind: Is this really all worth it?

I like doing things if I can anticipate a positive end result. Maybe that makes me spoiled? I’m not sure. But that’s the way I like to do things. But to be a musician is such an unknown. And I might I sound like a baby going on about this, but I’m really battling these feelings. Does it matter at all? Does anything matter at all?

And I got business cards with my songwriter info on them, I got a new feedback suppressor for my guitar. Why not use them, right?

I guess these thoughts are plaguing me as of late because there was an open mic at a place near me last night, and I decided not to go. To make myself feel better, I decided to go to my friend’s show instead which was in the same town. But then as the hour ticked closer and closer, I became less and less enthused and wanted more and more to just stay home and read or something. I didn’t like how that’s what I felt I really wanted. I felt like I was bullshitting myself – I should have pushed myself to go. Have I just been home for too long and that’s why I feel this way? I’m too comfortable here? (For TNG fans: Will Riker much?) I ended up getting a headache and went to bed right after dinner last night, anyway. So maybe I needed rest and I’m just making a big deal out of nothing.

The place I go to has a weekly open mic and I played it at the beginning of the month. It went great. The next week I had an interview scheduled for the next day, so I decided not to go, opting to go to bed in order to wake up well-rested and prepared. Then yesterday came.

I guess what I’m trying to get at is if I feel at peace, is it worth disturbing that peace to go and pursue something that disrupts that peace in a way? See, I hate the idea of wasting my life. And honestly, right now, I don’t feel that I am. But it’s the thought of the possibility that I am that creeps up on me. What if I could be doing more? But then for what? Why even push myself if it leads to nowhere? Do I just think music is my bliss because it’s been constant in my life? What if it’s not? What if I’ve transcended past that and it’s something else now? What if I’m just wasting my time pursuing some childhood dream? What is my bliss, really? Is there something more or am I just following a shadow of what I think I know?

Has anyone felt like this about anything? Let me know in the comments, y’all >>>

Peace and love,


Weighing Me Down

I love food. I love eating. I’m half Italian so I’m entitled, right?

I started growing my chub around 7 I’d say, and it’s kind of never left.

But no matter what our nationality, I think many of us struggle with weight – especially us women.

As humans living in a 1st world country, we live to eat! We’re in a very luxurious position; Goodbye to our neanderthal ancestors – No more having to eat to live! Those days are through!

Now food is all about flavor, texture, smells, presentation, variety. It can be fun and enticing to try something new and a comfort and blessing to indulge in one of our favorite dishes.

Even though I strive to live a gluten and dairy-free lifestyle, I still find it difficult to “diet” in order to lose weight. 90% of the reason is I really don’t want to. The other 10% knows I should. I mean, every time I go to the doctor it’s all about how I gained weight and need to lose it and maybe see a nutritionist and blah, blah, blah.

90% me says I’m already beautiful. 90% me can look at myself naked in the mirror and not be ashamed of who I am or what I look like. 90% me knows that “beautiful” doesn’t have to be skinny. 90% me doesn’t care about what’s considered “the norm” and knows the key to life is just being yourself.

But 10% me is insecure, wishing she was like everyone else, who is hyper-aware of her thighs and belly fat when she sits, trying to reposition so that it doesn’t look like all that much.

Truth is it hurts to diet. Hunger, headaches, anxiety, doubt, self-inflicted shame. And it takes time to exercise (especially with these bum ankles of mine)!

And I know I don’t eat the wrong things (well, maybe I could cut out some of my sugar and carb intake…)! I eat fruits, veggies, healthy oils and fats (like olive oil and avocados), I don’t drink soda and if I do, it’s a rare occurrence. I don’t binge drink, I’ll have a glass of wine or beer every so often, a mixed drink once in a blue moon. I just like to eat…more than a serving of something! And I like to snack…maybe more than I should…I don’t know. To commit to losing weight seems to include a whole bunch of stuff I don’t want to pay any mind to. I’m not motivated enough.

I suppose in the long-run I have to worry about becoming diabetic, as it does run in my family. But all of that seems so far away. And I don’t presently have any health problems so it’s like why bother, you know?

Then I think about my generation as a whole. Many of us are not eating right – and we know it. Whether or not we’re overweight is another story as sometimes sickness can occur inside the most healthiest looking of bodies. We binge eat and drink, maybe throw it up the next day, and then obsessively work out. We pay to eat out, pay the price of overconsumption, and then pay the price of our monthly gym memberships. And for what? More time, less energy? Or is it supposed to be the other way around?

I don’t know. I’m just confused about the whole thing. I need an end to the means sometimes, otherwise it just seems like a big waste.

The thing that scares me most is that food is like a drug. Our mind craves certain tastes that have chemical reactions in our brains when we eat them. I love So Delicious Dairy-Free’s Mint Chip Ice Cream. That stuff is the best. And it makes me feel nice when I eat it. (Especially when I pour some hot coffee or espresso on top and it gets all melty) It’s hard to take those kinds of happy-causing things away from our diet. It’s like life sucks a little more when it’s not there. And I know that sounds pathetic and weak. I hate myself for it. Have you ever tried to just go a day eating nothing but fruits and veggies? It’s IMPOSSIBLE. At around 11 o’clock, I cave.

As human beings we always think we’re so strong because we’re sentient and self-aware. But when it comes to hunger, food, and eating we become pathetic creatures. Something that seems so simple to control can spiral out of control very quickly. Have you ever acted like a moody asshole and it was mainly because you hadn’t eaten in awhile? I have. I don’t like changing on a dime like that. Low blood sugar causes a lot social tension, it’s like you need your fix. And once you get it you’re all like, “Hey, I’m sorry about all those angry words I said out of hunger”.

So some days my overweight body weighs me down as I try to consider the pros and cons of going on a diet and losing a few pounds. Will it really make me healthy or just more anxious and insecure? Maybe one day I’ll know. But for now, I might just settle for that ice cream.

Bottle Up And Explode!

A friend of mine on Facebook just shared this, and since it was less than 3 minutes long I figured it was sufficient enough for my attention. Is that weird? The way out mind works, that is. If it had been 5 minutes long, I’m not sure if I would have been willing to commit. But what the fuck am I saying? This is Elliott Smith we’re talking about.

I’ve been a huge Elliott Smith fan for about 3 years now. I had heard a few of his songs before but didn’t really get the bug until a few years later – my sophomore year of college specifically.

I fell in love with Figure 8 first. Damn, what an album. Almost every song is pure gold. And after Figure 8 I became obsessed with XO, specifically “Waltz #1”. I would listen to that song over and over and over and over and just cry in my room. I was at the tail-end of getting over someone, and it was the perfect hemlock to aid in my misery.

There are moments on XO that are sweet, some introspective, and others that are downright edgy. That’s probably one of the reasons I like it so much; It’s so varied and different. The songwriting is impeccable, and the lyrics feel just out of reach of full comprehension.

I love Elliott’s performance here because it is so edgy. He’s crying out, more vocally aggressive than usual.

Too bad I was only 8 years old when this show happened

That’s why it pains me a little to go to Irving Plaza and other venues I know Elliott played. There’s a sense of history and legend there that I was just too young to have any knowledge of at the time; I feel like I missed out maybe. Sometimes I close my eyes and try to smell the air of sweat and beer, hear the crowd jabber and imagine if this night could have felt anything like ones past.

Why The Golden Girls Will Never Die

Dorothy_QuoteFirst off, let me just begin by saying – I am Dorothy Zbornak.

I love Dorothy. She’s the greatest; Never failing to deliver killer zingers, one-liners, sarcastic quips. She’s a cynical idealist who never fails to speak her mind and stand up for her beliefs and principles. She’s a intelligent bibliophile with a generous heart and a loyal friend to the end.

I gravitate to her character because I relate with her the most. I’m a book-loving, loyal, cynical idealist too. Not overly concerned with romance or dating but if something real comes along, I’ll take it. If I could recreate her in a holodeck, I think we’d be great friends. Although, many of my own friends tell me I’m a spot-on Sophia. I can understand where they’re coming from with that.

The-Golden-GirlsOn occasion, I’ve been known to forget my filter and just say whatever hits my mind without really thinking about it. I’m known to spit out a little hard-earned wisdom every now and then…You know, now that I think about it I can even be naive as Rose or sometimes as fun-loving like Blanche. I think that’s what so wonderful about the Girls; It’s almost as if they are parts of a whole; various personifications of one psyche which enables viewers young and old to resonate with each and every one of them in an interesting, yet authentic way.

The Golden Girls represents something I’ve termed “positive pop culture“. Positive pop culture is music, film, television, or theatre that evokes positive qualities of ourselves by bringing out the best of our human nature in the real world whether it be compassion, doing the right thing, or following our heart. The Golden Girls accomplishes that. These 4 female characters playing out fictional scenarios based in (a not too distant) reality resonates deeper than one would assume.

Blanche, Dorothy, Rose, and Sophia are all independent women but in their own way, coinciding within a (at times dys-)functional, lovable relationship. They are firmly in control of their personal and sexual lives, living on their own without needing to depend on men but rather, on themselves and each other. I’m not afraid to admit that The Golden Girls empowers me. It may sound silly, but I feel compelled to say these things aloud being as I currently exist within in a domineering patriarchy that tends to count me out more than in. So when these realizations come along when watching something like The Golden Girls, I embrace it – and want to actively talk about it.

The Golden Girls will never die because they means so much to so many people – women especially. Their trials and tribulations transform ours into comfort and consolation. They are a pick-me-up when we’re down and out. Their mistakes and life experiences become character builders, not only for them but for us. Despite the approaching 30 year anniversary of the original air date of this show, these characters play an important role in our waking lives even when the TV gets turned off. We carry them with us to live a more authentic life, perhaps giving us the push to become the individuals we’ve always aspired to be.