This is probably nothing new.
Life just seems like a beautiful crumbling mess, moving slower than other moments I can recall.
It’s an American-Football-on-vinyl kind of Sunday. When the record stops, I flip it so it starts right back at the beginning.
I can’t help but feel I should have a one-track-mind, but time and time again Life just shows that I don’t and I can’t and I’m just not that kind of person. My mind is everywhere, all the time, all at once.
And I’m luckier than I know, but I feel like part of me is drowning; part of me can’t breathe. What is this damned 20-something existence if not torturous, though yes, filled with bursts of joy.
I’m currently debating whether or not going back to school is a good idea. And though I hate to go back on my own beliefs and values, it’s not that my past feelings and furious resentment are still as strong as they once were. It’s because I don’t know what the right answer is.
Because nothing feels good anymore. Am I waiting to live? Waiting to die?
I’m waiting for something to happen. I’m waiting for fireworks and carbonation inside my soul. But the soda’s gone flat somehow. There’s no validation or inherent promise in any of my actions. I’ve gone numb. So I drink to forget about it. I never thought it would come to that, but maybe it has in a sense. Because why not? Why suffer? Why not just put everything on hold, just for a minute.
And I can’t help but feel I’ve let everyone down somehow. This isn’t the way it was supposed to happen. Yes, I know nothing ever is, but still. I’m sorry I let you down.
I know this wasn’t supposed to be easy. If anything, I’ve always been the exception to the rule. But this is eating at me bad. It’s difficult to shake.
Maybe this is another snake skin I have to shed. Become someone else, another version of myself. Maybe I’m holding on to the past too hard to prevent myself from jumping headfirst into the future. Maybe I don’t even realize I’m doing it. But how does one change overnight?
I just want to be a good person, eventually become fully independent, love with my whole heart, know someone could love me. I want to laugh every chance I get, show the world I know how to use my mind, be unique and dance through the sunny days and moonlight nights. Live Life with no ceilings or floors.
Maybe I just want to fly somewhere without wings.