Dodecagon x ∞

Mary Poppins is goddamn everything.

My head feels like a brick after a long day of leisure

proving you can have too much of a good thing.

I suppose you’re asking yourself some questions.

You’re not the only one.

I know I’ve been thinking a lot about masks

and whether or not we really have control over our emotions;

about guilt.

It affects the breath in the strangest way.

I’m not even close to taming it.

And can I tell you a secret?

I don’t know what I’m doing.

There’s days I’m drunk enough to shake it off;

there’s days it scares the hell out of me.

But what if I never find a happy medium?

Okay.

I’ll be quiet now.

I’m a dodecagon times infinity.

Miserably eternal.

I’m everywhere so much that maybe it doesn’t much matter at all.

Every day is “to be continued…”

‘Til then.

 

 

 

April Shivers

It’s so cold outside! There was that one 80 degree day last Saturday, teasing the impatient Northeast with the prospect of summer creeping ’round the corner. But it’s a deception! An illusion. Once that sun goes down and the wind blows, it gets to your bones.

And I laugh because when it’s snowing, people are begging for summer but when it’s so hot the power goes out and the AC breaks, the same dissatisfied urchins are praying for cooler days. Still, this particular cold confuses me. It’s like Mother Nature can’t let go, though winter’s over. May’s practically in a week or so, right?

This week I’ve jam-packed my schedule with things to do. I’m not sure why. But ever since i got back from Florida, I felt compelled to do so; to stop putting everything off and just jumping for once, especially seeing friends. It’s like my dad says, “Relationships need to be nurtured” and I haven’t always been the best at doing that. Though I try. I’ll give myself that.

And despite the fact that I’ve been doing this, caring for Nonna, baking birthday cakes, and trying to get my eBay game back on track, in my mind I’m still thinking music, still attempting to exercise (and now meditate) everyday, read, write, finish season 3 of House of Cards. It adds up. But I think out of these years and months home, I’ve realized I like to be busy. I’ve affirmed that for sure. Or maybe I’m feeling my break coming to a close. It’s like, since I decided I’m going back to school in fall, a grid fell over everything in my life. And I can see where everything stands and where everything needs to go. And I’m ready to move the chess pieces on the board to start this damn thing already. Pawn to E4 or whatever.

Bobby Fischer out of character with a backwards baseball cap on putting on chapstick.

Breath is everything, even when Mother Nature blows it coolly down the back of our necks.

My New 21-Speed Bike

There’s something so incredibly liberating about coasting down the street, standing on the pedals flying, on top of the world.

And while I grow older and more reflective with each passing day, I realize I don’t want to hide the person I am, who I’ve always wanted to be. And I think high school really fucks up that goal. Because unwritten social rules conquer all and until you’re fully over it, done with college and standing on your own do you realize none of it matters. And even if it did, none of it matters anymore.

Because the friends the came and went are gone, the ones that stuck by you are considered to be your closest confidantes, and I am still the same punk-rock stricken, Star Trek obsessed girl who likes to ride her two-wheeler on beautiful clear skied days. Although I am 24 going on 25, the 14-year-old girl who found hope in Green Day and did her best to consciously avoid full conformity is still me. She’s still inside. And she will always exist even though I grow and change everyday. And while I’m nursing my sore tush (not yet used to that bike seat), she’s wondering what took me so long to get back to riding. Because we are who we are and when we like the things we like, it just clicks. And when you feel all is right in the world, it is. That’s your true nature. And that’s what I want to pursue and embrace for the rest of my life.

Doubt & Anxiety. Anxiety & Doubt.

This is probably nothing new.

Life just seems like a beautiful crumbling mess, moving slower than other moments I can recall.

It’s an American-Football-on-vinyl kind of Sunday. When the record stops, I flip it so it starts right back at the beginning.

I can’t help but feel I should have a one-track-mind, but time and time again Life just shows that I don’t and I can’t and I’m just not that kind of person. My mind is everywhere, all the time, all at once.

And I’m luckier than I know, but I feel like part of me is drowning; part of me can’t breathe. What is this damned 20-something existence if not torturous, though yes, filled with bursts of joy.

I’m currently debating whether or not going back to school is a good idea. And though I hate to go back on my own beliefs and values, it’s not that my past feelings and furious resentment are still as strong as they once were. It’s because I don’t know what the right answer is.

Because nothing feels good anymore. Am I waiting to live? Waiting to die?

I’m waiting for something to happen. I’m waiting for fireworks and carbonation inside my soul. But the soda’s gone flat somehow. There’s no validation or inherent promise in any of my actions. I’ve gone numb. So I drink to forget about it. I never thought it would come to that, but maybe it has in a sense. Because why not? Why suffer? Why not just put everything on hold, just for a minute.

And I can’t help but feel I’ve let everyone down somehow. This isn’t the way it was supposed to happen. Yes, I know nothing ever is, but still. I’m sorry I let you down.

I know this wasn’t supposed to be easy. If anything, I’ve always been the exception to the rule. But this is eating at me bad. It’s difficult to shake.

Maybe this is another snake skin I have to shed. Become someone else, another version of myself. Maybe I’m holding on to the past too hard to prevent myself from jumping headfirst into the future. Maybe I don’t even realize I’m doing it. But how does one change overnight?

I just want to be a good person, eventually become fully independent, love with my whole heart, know someone could love me. I want to laugh every chance I get, show the world I know how to use my mind, be unique and dance through the sunny days and moonlight nights. Live Life with no ceilings or floors.

Maybe I just want to fly somewhere without wings.

Heavy As Fuck

There are days my mind feels like a sticky, humid swamp; Just…stagnant, filled with Lord knows what. And even though its contents are unclear, it’s heavy as fuck. It feels like a lot’s there. Lots of mud and muck.

There are days I’m not sure what to think, what kind of opinions to have.

There are days that everything is crystal clear and every breath feels like a breeze of fresh air on a warm summer day.

There are days I feel myself adapting against my will, others I stand my ground so hard I could make the earth quake beneath my feet.

And does it mean a thing? Does it all mean a damn thing?

Because we’re all gonna die and turn to dust and explode in the heat of the Sun while the planets, which we name after the gods and goddess of antiquity, silently observe our fate. Because they’re also kind of nothing but beautiful. But when we’re all dead and gone all our sense of aesthetic will be gone so what is anything? And if it means nothing, then so what? And if no one’s watching does it exist?

And even if you could pinpoint my location from this universe to this galaxy to this planet Earth, to the North American continent, to the United States, to my northeast New Jersey bedroom sitting up tired, would my presence here in this exact moment mean anything to anyone? Should it not bother us as human beings to not feel necessary. Nevermind wanting and loved, but necessary? Because what if you grow old and no one cares?

But I suppose no matter what happens, I believe in the Tao and dharma and just going with it and saying yes to life. And I think I’ve become really good at that and if not, then better than last year. But I don’t feel aligned like what I’m riding a wave. My passion and excitement comes in bursts but keeps shorting out. So how can I keep that going? Sometimes my center disappears into the swamp and instead of digging through it and driving myself insane, I choose to just lay down and wait for its light to poke out from the murky darkness.

On my lawn chair with a lollipop in my mouth, eyes closed.

Waiting for a sign as I open one.

A wink with a fermata over the top.