tuesday daytime solitude

Tuesday daytime solitude is delicious.

I took off work today and tomorrow as my mom’s on a business trip in AC and someone needed to watch the dog while my dad is at work and my brother’s at school. This is the second week she’s had to go to AC for work and the second time I’ve had two wonderful, peaceful days off; Days where I try to relax, yet be productive, and balance not being too hard on myself while relaxing and not having impossible expectations on myself while simultaneously attempting to be productive. What could go wrong?

I do have tentative plans to go to a 6:30 hot yoga class this evening. That way I’ll have a car by that time and won’t have to walk. Though if I did have to walk, it would be a beautiful day for it. I have windows and doors open all around the house today. The pooch is snoozing next to me on the leather loveseat and we have been lulled by the quiet and fresh air all day.

Usually I opt for doing yoga in the morning, but the day has been so beautiful and my mind has been so content that I haven’t wanted to budge. I’m still in my pajamas and have 0 regrets about it. It’s been two days since I last took a class and as much as I try to forgive myself for not going, it has been difficult for me to let it go. Yesterday my evening commute wore me out and I instead opted for finishing my mom’s Chicken Scarpariello leftovers and playing Assassin’s Creed Odyssey on my brother’s Playstation. The day before I also had work and that time, my evening bus commute made me queasy by the way the driver kept braking on and off (unnecessarily) and by the time I got home I felt like all the blood had drained from my face. Eating some watermelon perked me up, but I don’t like to eat so close to class time and it was about 20 minutes before class when I ate it. But as much as these reasons are true and objectively valid (IMO), I find myself constantly terrified of making excuses and self-sabotaging myself – because in the past, for one thing or other, I have. Do I just sometimes have such a weak will that I cave to food and video games? Or am I being smart and disciplined by knowing when I should and should not be attempting for lack of a better word, “vigorous exercise”? I think I also become paranoid that if I “drop the ball” so to speak, it’s that much harder to get back on the horse. And I’m terrified of that. Life is a really difficult balancing act.

But I think I’ll watch The Power of Myth this afternoon (because I’ve been meaning to for actual weeks), maybe I’ll have some more melon, maybe I’ll write a song. The potential activity possibilities that haunt my free days are constantly daunting. I wish there was a cure for it. Why can’t I just chill?

Author: Roe

29. she/her. Songwriter & Trek Punk Soul™.

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