learned anxiety

As I’ve gotten older, the more I realize I get a lot of anxiety via my parents. I mean, yes, probably everyone’s parents give them anxiety, but I mean anxiety as in learned behavior. And it’s been happening my whole life. The way they both handle situations sometimes. My dad procrastinated doing his taxes until today and he is a wreck. Inconsolable. On a runaway train of despair and anxiety so constricting and tight it could strangle him. He needs answers and he needs them now. He will be unreasonable and not care about the consequences. He is hot-headed and terrified. Laser-focused taking short sips of air – But I am also all those things when I get into similar states. And I don’t like to get into those states. But sometimes I do. Sometimes the emotions run away with me and I can’t hit the brakes, can’t find the brakes, convinced there are no brakes. And before I know it, I’m hyperventilating and livid because I got something from my health insurance that doesn’t make sense at 5 PM on a Friday and now I can’t call customer service until Monday because they’re closed. I will sit and stew and it will ruin my night. It will ruin my weekend. And everything will be cursed to hell. Until I allow myself to be talked down.

I’m not sure if my parents have gotten worse as they’ve gotten older, or perhaps they’ve always been this way and I am only now aware enough to see it, to notice it because I identify it with my own emotions. I’m not sure if it’s a nature or nurture thing, but it sucks. I often wonder about the kids (who are now young adults like me) who had emotionally-sound parents that didn’t suffer from anxiety (and at times depression) who will never know what this feels like. I envy them.

My mom has actually been really good today. She’s calm. She’ll roll her eyes to me, but mostly keep her frustrations to herself because she knows my Dad is going through his own hell. I constantly remind her that picking fights is never worth it and careless comments meant to harm or injure should be avoided at all costs. It’s a waste of energy. My dad also has been nursing an injured knee (having decided to take up running again at 65), so I feel like a lot of his frustrations and anxieties are being misdirected because of that. I try to be calm and patient – and also stay the hell out of his way if I can help it.

But I feel like the whole house is walking a tightrope and we could fall and plummet at any second. It’s a balancing act and we’re all holding up a full set dining room table with only our heads, walking one foot in front of the other, across 50 feet in the air and we will only get to the other side once we lay our heads down to go to sleep to start over again tomorrow.

I hope he finishes everything soon. I hope both my mom and my brother keep cool. My brother especially likes to pick fights with my dad. Or maybe not “pick fights”, but challenge him on almost everything. Another thing I must remind him is in fact a waste of energy. But I know my brother suffers from this stuff too. Anxiety and hot-headedness. And he, at any moment, could get caught up in the negativity my dad is exuding. And he is still young, and…perhaps less of a seasoned Vulcan than I am. 🙂

My mom’s making meatballs. And they smell amazing. I just came back from a yoga class a little while ago (which benefited Relay For Life) and am going to take a shower and then laser-focus on my organizing my EP. It’s been causing me a lot of personal anxiety. And I noticed this after breathwork yesterday, when I went for a walk and how it kept coming up in my mind as this looming, unresolved thing. Which tells me that I should try to resolve the dis-ease I feel with it. I’m terrified that it’ll never happen, that I wasted time and money, that it’ll suck, that I suck, that I’m an idiot. I’m not sure why I feel so much doubt with this right now. But hopefully I can get back on the wagon once I evaluate everything.

Author: Roe

30. she/her. Songwriter & Trek Punk Soul™.

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