Yesterday evening I found myself in an emotionally strange mood. My energy was…weird. I felt mushad, self-pity, discontent, anxiety. I was upset with my choices that had made up my day – I snacked way too much, even though I tracked everything I got upset that I wasn’t satisfied; I wasn’t hungry, but continued to eat (to feel good, I guess). I wish I had been more productive on a whole; I have a whole desk with stuff on it that I need to go through because I’d like to eventually get rid of the desk. And I suppose I have been working on it…sort of. One of the piles on that desk is 3-4 years worth of music magazines I had subscribed to during that time, in pretty good shape too because they’ve mostly sat there untouched for 6-9 years. I’ve decided to post them all individually on eBay to see if anyone wants them, but that stuff takes so much time. And it really took a lot of me yesterday. It was very monotonous work. I think I posted around 20 yesterday, and there’s still more to do. (I might try to post a few before I head out to work today.)
I’m not sure if I’m PMS-ing…It does seem a little early, but I’ve been wondering what caused the weirdish mood I found myself in yesterday aside from my own seemingly unattainable goals. Because to be honest, I was productive yesterday. I got a load of laundry done, practiced “Angeles”, caught up on some TV, did dishes, emptied the dishwasher, went for a walk, shipped something I sold on eBay. I had made a small to-do list and actually checked off most of the things on it. I think I’ve been anxious about the songs I’ve been recording in the studio. Like, are they still good? Should I be doing anything differently? I think the idea that “this could all be for nothing” is a big fear in my mind, not just for this but for anything. That’s definitely present in my brain. I think I should reach out to Matt again sometime soon and see if I can book a day before May to get a song done (it’s called “All Your Books”) that doesn’t require drums. I think it’s just going to be me and the guitar.
But anyway, yeah so when my family sat down for dinner last night, I decided to skip (since I had eaten all day) and opted to go to yoga instead. And at first I was indecisive what I wanted more; To wallow in tasty steak my mom made and definitely going over my daily calorie limit? Or focusing on my breath, mind, body in yoga? But I knew I would feel better if I just bit the bullet and went to yoga. It took some self-determination, but you know what guys? I was so.right. I had such a great great great class and was so glad I went. My weird mood lifted and I walked out of that class feeling like a new person, feeling like everything was possible. I was energized and hopeful and positive. The transformation was unbelievable. I slept incredibly well last night and am not even sore today. A part of me wishes I got up early enough to go to another class this morning, but the other part is glad I slept in, getting the 8 hours I definitely needed after waking up at around 4:30-5 AM for most of the week because of work.
It sometimes really difficult for me to change my mood on a whim. Sometimes weird states of mind / depression / anxiety really pull me down and it’s like quicksand; It’s really difficult to climb out on self-volition alone. It’s easy to stay trapped. It’s something I struggle with on a regular basis. I feel so thankful, blessed, and grateful that yoga is something I have that pulls me out of that.
So this morning (well, now it seems it’s afternoon) I had some breakfast (Apples, sunbutter, and Special K that I might have overindulged on, but oh well) and caught up on the latest Star Trek: Discovery episode from last night, which was excellent. I am SO grateful to live in a present where Star Trek is on TV again. It gives me so much light and happiness…it’s difficult to articulate.
So anyway, now I”m listening to a monthly playlist my friend Stan made while I type this. I’m thinking my next move will be meditating in my room before I get dressed. It’s unexpectedly cold today, so who knows what I’ll wear to work today. Because of these various weather shifts, I haven’t been able to commit to switching out my closet / wardrobe yet (I have a small closet so around this time of year, I’ll bring the winter wear / sweaters to a downstairs closet and the summer / spring stuff upstairs to my closet). I think I heard it’s supposed to be 60 degrees all next week, so that’s definitely something to look forward to. Nice weather should help lift my sometimes-melancholy moods significantly.