WOW, so I have been working (HARD and) irregular hours ALL WEEK. And I kinda like it cuz it’s different and it’s been keeping me on my toes – but simultaneously, I’m SO TIRED. Exhausted. I’m a tiny bit sleep deprived. I got less than 5 hours last night. That’s not normal for me. I need 6 more I think to be fully-functional in the morning. Ha! I came home tonight at a decent hour though.
So here I am, post-dinner, typing away, sipping the last remains of a Oskar Blues’ Dale’s Pale Ale (my first beer since…Super Bowl Sunday maybe) and listening to “Silly Love Songs” radio on Spotify.
I’m behind on a few TV shows I’ve been watching (This Is Us, Star Trek: Discovery, maybe The Orville)…I’ll probably catch up on those tomorrow morning. I also need to start getting into the last season of Broad City. I saw the first episode, but I don’t have Comedy Central with my cable provider, so I can’t watch it proper. Homeland too. Need to catch up on that last season. I tried to catch up on work during some downtime on a late night shift, but a scene came up which looked like it was going to get sexual and I was like, “Hm, I’m not comfortable watching this at work”. Ha! But I don’t get Showtime with my cable provider either.
So the past couple of days, I’ve been carrying around a lot of anxiety. And I think it’s due to a few things. Namely, that I haven’t been exercising at all because I’ve been trying to rest up my ankle (which has been getting better). But I haven’t been releasing those endorphins like I’ve been and my body knows it! I have to say my eating as been okay though. I’ve been logging everything and doing a fairly good job at staying away from unnecessary breads/carbs. But when I get anxiety it’s all in my throat. It feels hard to breathe and it suuuuuuucks. I feel edgy and panicky and I can mask it and hide it pretty well, but it’s one of the worst things ever.
The other half of this anxiety root is the fact that I kinda had a falling out / weirdness with a friend a few months ago – someone I considered to be very close to – and I’m still very upset and traumatized by it. I don’t want to get too much into it on this sort of public, written medium but it cut me deep and still hurts and it’s one of those things where I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel or the hurdle that will allow us to overcome this impasse. It makes me really sad. And I don’t know if feeling these emotions like this is part of the healing process (I hope so – because then it means I’m on the road to finding peace), because I wasn’t feeling like this earlier. I mean, I was still upset by it, but it wasn’t affecting me like this – This tightness in my throat can’t breathe anxiety from the time I wake up to the time I lay my head down bullshit. I know I need to meditate more. I know I need to focus on my breathing more. But it’s hard, you know? I keep going over and over and over and over the events that transpired leading up to this moment of disjuncture and asking myself if I was wrong? Could I have done things differently? Could I have said something or acted differently than I did? And I don’t know. But know what happened happened. And I stand by my words and actions concerning the situation. But it still breaks my heart. This person was such an important part of my life and I feel like that era is gone now and I feel like someone kinda ripped the foundation from my proverbial house. I should move on and make new memories with new people, but I’ve never been good at completely letting go. What’s more is that this friend taught me so much about life, and whether they know it or not, they taught me how to be myself, how to be at ease with myself, and so so so so so much more. I would tire myself out attempting to list everything. So much of myself, the way I am now (compared to 10 years ago), is owed to them. And by acknowledging that, I feel like I can never fully move on and forget them. And that’s what’s making it so difficult – Because they are indelibly a part of me. I have so many memories in my brain…it gets hard to sort through them all, but they’re with me all the time. Writing new songs has been helping. And strangely enough, I feel like that’s become…easier lately? I’m heading into the studio on Saturday. So excited. I welcome the creative juices and catharsis that will unfold.
But what do you do when you feel you’ve lost someone you love? How do you move on from that? Because I can stick out my upper lip and pretend to shrug it off as good as the next person (with a tri-state attitude), but that wouldn’t be real; it wouldn’t be how I truly feel. Are there ever true resolutions with things like this? Should I just calm tf down and know that everything will be okay in the end? Yes (probably). It will (likely) all work out. But it still hurts. It’s still painful. It still feels like I should be doing something more. It sucks to know you have the power to reach out, but can’t – or shouldn’t – and won’t. And I won’t. I can’t.
I’m probably not done talking about this. But I think I am for tonight.
I’m done with my beer. It’s time to move on to the next thing.
Good night, friends.