I’m an emotional eater.

I’ll overeat when I’m feeling down or I’ll even overeat when I’m really happy.

It’s really terrible. I hate this about myself.

Lately I feel like it’s gotten harder to control and I’m not sure why.

Actually, I have an idea: It’s likely a very subconscious manifestation of starting a new (paid) internship on Monday (YAY!), and having (almost) graduated (with my second degree YAY!), combined with feeling eerily calm and dare I say, numb to all these changes. I guess it’s better than full-fledged anxiety. Unless of course that anxiety is manifesting itself in my awful eating habits as of late.

The weather in New Jersey doesn’t help much either. It’s dreary, cold, grey, and rainy here and I can’t stand it.

It makes it hard to do things. Like literally anything. I really pushed myself to do my morning walk, and I did it but it took sooooo much effort. A lot of things have been feeling that way.

I’ve been watching TV for most of the day, trying to catch up on those Marvel movies; I watched the first Captain America today, along with half of The Avengers. Something tells me I won’t finish them all in time to see Infinity War in theaters, but I am trying. That’s another thing – I haven’t been to the movies in forever. And I have MoviePass. I definitely should make time for that…I should be making time for a lot of things. I think my procrastinating has gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. I remember being so type-A about things when I was younger that maybe I’ve just mellowed out for better or worse. I was sick of stressing myself out and worrying all the time.

This week flew by so fast I thought Mother’s Day was next Sunday, not tomorrow.

I got my Tiny Stills Kickstarter package in the mail today. That made me happy. Haven’t gotten around to Instgramming my spoils yet though…I should probably send Kailynn a message. She worked so hard on this record (Laughing Into The Void) and fulfilling these Kickstarter pledges and everything came out really great. She should be so proud. Maybe I should Kickstarter something for my music…Maybe even for an EP. I should crunch some numbers and figure it out.

I’m trying to finish Hard Choices, Hillary Clinton’s memoir. I’ve had it from the library since March and I’m out of renewals. It’s about 600 pages. I’m about half-way done. I have a week left to return it.

I have so much music saved on my Spotify it won’t let me save stuff anymore, adding to my increasing media consumption anxiety.

I played a chess game with my Dad today and won. It was one of my better games. I was very proud of it.

My room is still a mess. I’ve been meaning to clean it, but every time I think about it, I can’t motivate myself to do it…but I really need to.

So here I sit on my living room couch, stuffed (my mom made turkey chili tonight), and the sky is the same color it was this morning. I’m afraid to look at my to-do list. I’ve been trying to use Apple’s Reminders, but I’m honestly wondering if I’m more of a pen and paper kind of gal. I can’t tell which one makes me more productive.

As this post probably accurately depicts, I feel very scattered and uncentered (yes, I’m still meditating).

The other day, I read an article on LinkedIn about polymaths. I can’t find it now, but basically a polymath is a “person of wide-ranging knowledge or learning”. It really spoke to me. I never knew the word existed, nevermind what it meant. Leonardo da Vinci seems to be credited as the pinnacle polymath, but the article was talking about how in the business world (or quite frankly, in society at large), we are often encouraged to follow and master only one pursuit, to not go outside that box, and how that belief is outdated. The author goes on to talk about Elon Musk, Steve Jobs, et al and how some of the biggest minds of the 21st century are polymaths and how they combine disciplines and knowledge from seemingly unrelated areas and thrive and create by bringing all their disparate knowledge to one area. And I don’t know, it got myself thinking like, maybe that’s me? Maybe I’m a polymath. I call myself a “Renaissance Woman”, mostly as a funny, but because I have so many interests and know so many things about seemingly unrelated fields and then bring them all together when I work and create. I love that.

I went on a job interview that I didn’t get, and I think one of the reasons why I didn’t get it was because the interviewers thought I was too “all over the place” in terms of my interest. I have a degree in Music and TV Production, I have nearly three years of IT experience. Because the interview went rather well. It was a competitive position, but I gave it my all. And when I thought about why I didn’t get it, this was the strongest conclusion I came to. But frankly, it’s their loss you know? Ah well.

I just feel like I want to do so much, I can’t decide on a single thing to concentrate on. Music, writing, movies, books. These are all very important things to me. But combined with my lack of motivation and lack of enough hours in a day, I find myself stuck and frustrated most of the time.

I’ve also been meaning to blog more. I think it helps alleviate some of the loneliness i sometimes feel. I’m going to try to do more of that, even though my schedule is about to get increasingly busy soon.

Anyway, thanks for reading, thanks for listening.




Author: Roe

30. she/her. Songwriter & Trek Punk Soul™.

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