I think I’m cursed.
I spent this past weekend extremely depressed. And when I say extremely depressed. I mean so.fucking.depressed. I became caught in this nihilistic loop I couldn’t shake (thanks, all that Nietzsche I’ve been reading lately). Like:
There’s no point to anything.
Why try to do anything when there’s no point?
What’s the point of getting up in the morning?
Everything sucks, so why try?
If something’s meant to be, why try?
Why try to do anything? What’s the point?
Stuff like that. And then I proceeded to not get dressed or take a shower. And I stayed in my pajamas all day, watching Seinfeld for hours and hours, doing absolutely nothing and then felt like shit for doing absolutely nothing. Because I tend to judge my day (and myself) based on my productivity.
And I don’t think a lot of people know that I can get really fucking depressed. I’m kind of split 50/50 between introvert and extrovert and it really fucks with me. Not to say that introverts get more depressed than extroverts and vice versa, but you know what I mean. Because sometimes I can be very positive and very sociable, but then I can also get trapped into these shitty headspaces that become very difficult for me to break out of and I end up secluding myself from others.
This weekend had me crying a lot and attempting to talk out these nihilistic feelings with my parents. And even though nothing they said helped, talking with them did. And I feel so unworthy that I have them sometimes. (Although neither of them are saints and they can drive me absolutely fucking crazy when they want to.)
I feel unworthy about a lot of things.
I think I’m one of those people that has a really hard time asking for help. And maybe it’s not so much asking for help, but asking for help when I need it. I have this vulnerability complex; Like I’m afraid to be seen as weak or vulnerable. And I know that’s not good. And I’m not sure why I feel that way or know how to overcome it. I mean, sure, I can push myself to ask for help in certain situations, particularly when they are in the moment and I have very little time to think about them. But for something like this? I don’t know….
Truth be told, I probably should be seeing a therapist or something, but there’s a stubborn part of me that refuses to make the effort. All that paperwork, explaining my life story, health insurance bullshit that’s sure to ensue. There’s too much anxiety in the actual process for me to go seek help. And that’s kind of funny in a way, I guess. And then: is treatment ever really over? Or will I get caught in a perpetual, neverending loop? Some sort of doctor’s trap?
See, I’ve already talked myself out of it. Too much work, too much anxiety. No thanks.
But anyway, yesterday I resolved to create and follow a schedule every day to help with my mood and the organizational structure of my day. Because as much as I hate to admit it, I desperately need structure. Otherwise I fall apart. So I’ve realized. And this schedule includes writing and reading and meditating (which I’ve been seriously slacking on) and applying to jobs and going out and seeing movies when I can. And exercising.
I’m not sure what I hate more about winter: The fact that my nose constantly runs in cold weather, or that I can’t go outside for walks on a whim. It kills me that I can’t go outside without freezing my ass off. And because of that I haven’t really been exercising. I think my body’s been feeling the adverse effects of that. I mean, forget being fit, I’m in it for the endorphins (and let’s be honest, the extra calories I earn for the day).
So today was day #2 of the schedule attempt and I think it went well. I’m definitely feeling way better than this weekend. I’m feeling more productive and at least more willing to participate in my environment.
I’m also trying not to sleep in as much; resolving to, anyway.
Sometimes it’s hard for me to tell whether I sleep in because I’m tired or I sleep in because I’m depressed. I think I’ve caught up on my sleep since last semester and I think I owe it to myself to stop being such a bum and wake up, meditate, and work out as early as possible (I’ve been aiming for 6 AM).
So listen, if you’re reading this post and have experienced depression (and/or it’s best friend Anxiety) or are currently experiencing it, please know you’re not alone. I deal with it on a nearly every day basis. It’s a very real thing (that the winter seems to make worse).
Although I don’t think I should be giving any sort of advice (since I can’t even push to get help for myself), I will say the schedule-making, my parental support group, and music have all been helping. And if you think that could help you too, by all means please try making that schedule, talk to your parents, and listen to that music you love.
These clouds usually do pass, even if they linger a little longer than we like.