With Sweaty Hands

With sweaty hands and minor trepidation, she pulls her big ol’ button-up gray sweater up and over her head and begins to write for the first time in a long time…

…because it is you, Dear Reader, that I’ve been thinking about on this snowy December evening; where I have self-barricaded myself indoors, celebrating the first day of a monthly gift given to me by Mother Nature herself, unaffiliated with holidays; Given to me for the first time at twelve years old with an impossible refusal during a December school day many moons ago. It is a gift that will continue to give, until I am likely middle-aged and with much more Life lived, perhaps more sway in my hips, along with many more stories to tell.

They say she’s a good writer, but she doesn’t believe them.

So where to begin? Well, allow me to dive right into my day:

I unwillingly woke early this morning, groggy as hell. Grey skies and pressing responsibilities do not go well together. The past couple of mornings I’ve nursed and cradled my coffee like a crutch. But there is something about the warmth and bitter and feeling accomplished when the cup is fully drunk…Perhaps more of my undying love affair with coffee later. I mean, what can you expect when my idols are Captain Janeway and Lorelai Gilmore? 😉

I’ve been slightly addicted to this Star Trek Timelines game that I found out about via like-minded Trek fans about on Twitter. It’s been out for a year, but I haven’t heard of it until recently. It’s been eating up little moments of my time lately, and more often that I’d like to admit. But anyway, I played that for a bit and soon realized time was escaping me, so I quickly got dressed. The shirt I chose is one my brother got me for a birthday present in October and it’s a shirt I cherish dearly. It says, “Vulcan In The Streets, Klingon In The Sheets”. Definitely one of my most favorite shirts. I’m so lucky to have a brother who knows me so well. I am also very cognizant of the fact that I primarily clothe myself in Star Trek merch and band merch and I have 0 problem with that.

And then today was primarily spent editing a final project with a friend/classmate of mine. From about 10 to 3 we were diligently worked on that and I’m very happy to report it is now done and submitted. I only now have to worry about submitting a final paper (that I haven’t started writing yet…) that’s due Tuesday. But I’ll worry about that tomorrow.

I came home as the first magic moments of snow began to descend, craving hot water bottles and tea and chocolate and sweatpants. I feel very fortunate to have gotten all those things almost immediately as I walked in. My mom stayed home sick, but she somehow managed to procure chocolate and make me tea despite her condition. Moms are angels. My mom is an angel.

I was supposed to see a movie with friends tonight. I recently got the MoviePass card that I’m stoked to use. But I erred on the side of caution (as well as taking into account my physical ailments) and stayed home because of the weather. Good thing too because I just got a email a few minutes ago from MoviePass saying my card will be activated tomorrow, which would have meant if I’d have gone to the movie tonight, I wouldn’t have been able to use my card.

So I’ve been home, had a light dinner with my family, drank some whiskey, and I’ve been sitting up in bed, going between two books. I listened to the Simon & Garfunkel Greatest Hits record and damn, if that album isn’t life-affirming. It’s records like those that make you actually feel good when you listen to them. There’s not a bad song on it, and I mean yeah, it’s their greatest hits, but I don’t know…there’s just something magical about the whole thing. Simon & Garfunkel are legends.

In a moment of self-reflection as we approach the end of 2017…

It’s funny because I started this blog in the summer of 2013 with a whirlwind of doubt, uncertainty, and insecurity at my back with doubts and fears invading my mind; a fresh young graduate thrust upon the world, having worked so hard, having felt it was all for nothing. And four years later, I think the winds have changed in their intensity and color, and I don’t worry about the same things anymore. But some unknowns have remained the same. Like what does my future look like? I’m still unsure…

But with that said, I’m constantly grateful for all the people I’ve met while at Montclair State. I never thought I could or would “meet new people” or make new friends, but I have and I did. And I’m not sure where I be without them and without my going-back-to-school experience. Even if I never get a job in the television industry, I’m so unspeakably filled with gratitude these past few years. I’m not sure where I’d be without my MSU friends.

Final Thoughts…

The world is crazy these days. Sometimes it’s extremely difficult for me to navigate through and keep my head on straight. I urge you, Dear Reader, to keep on swimming, keep on treading. Keep reading, keep creating, keep seeking Truth, and living Life the best you know how. The biggest middle finger we can give to the current state of affairs, the best way to rebel, is to unapologetically be ourselves, spread love and acceptance, and like Simba, “laugh in the face of danger”.



Author: Roe

she/her. Songwriter & Trek Punk Soul™.

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