Weighing Me Down

I love food. I love eating. I’m half Italian so I’m entitled, right?

I started growing my chub around 7 I’d say, and it’s kind of never left.

But no matter what our nationality, I think many of us struggle with weight – especially us women.

As humans living in a 1st world country, we live to eat! We’re in a very luxurious position; Goodbye to our neanderthal ancestors – No more having to eat to live! Those days are through!

Now food is all about flavor, texture, smells, presentation, variety. It can be fun and enticing to try something new and a comfort and blessing to indulge in one of our favorite dishes.

Even though I strive to live a gluten and dairy-free lifestyle, I still find it difficult to “diet” in order to lose weight. 90% of the reason is I really don’t want to. The other 10% knows I should. I mean, every time I go to the doctor it’s all about how I gained weight and need to lose it and maybe see a nutritionist and blah, blah, blah.

90% me says I’m already beautiful. 90% me can look at myself naked in the mirror and not be ashamed of who I am or what I look like. 90% me knows that “beautiful” doesn’t have to be skinny. 90% me doesn’t care about what’s considered “the norm” and knows the key to life is just being yourself.

But 10% me is insecure, wishing she was like everyone else, who is hyper-aware of her thighs and belly fat when she sits, trying to reposition so that it doesn’t look like all that much.

Truth is it hurts to diet. Hunger, headaches, anxiety, doubt, self-inflicted shame. And it takes time to exercise (especially with these bum ankles of mine)!

And I know I don’t eat the wrong things (well, maybe I could cut out some of my sugar and carb intake…)! I eat fruits, veggies, healthy oils and fats (like olive oil and avocados), I don’t drink soda and if I do, it’s a rare occurrence. I don’t binge drink, I’ll have a glass of wine or beer every so often, a mixed drink once in a blue moon. I just like to eat…more than a serving of something! And I like to snack…maybe more than I should…I don’t know. To commit to losing weight seems to include a whole bunch of stuff I don’t want to pay any mind to. I’m not motivated enough.

I suppose in the long-run I have to worry about becoming diabetic, as it does run in my family. But all of that seems so far away. And I don’t presently have any health problems so it’s like why bother, you know?

Then I think about my generation as a whole. Many of us are not eating right – and we know it. Whether or not we’re overweight is another story as sometimes sickness can occur inside the most healthiest looking of bodies. We binge eat and drink, maybe throw it up the next day, and then obsessively work out. We pay to eat out, pay the price of overconsumption, and then pay the price of our monthly gym memberships. And for what? More time, less energy? Or is it supposed to be the other way around?

I don’t know. I’m just confused about the whole thing. I need an end to the means sometimes, otherwise it just seems like a big waste.

The thing that scares me most is that food is like a drug. Our mind craves certain tastes that have chemical reactions in our brains when we eat them. I love So Delicious Dairy-Free’s Mint Chip Ice Cream. That stuff is the best. And it makes me feel nice when I eat it. (Especially when I pour some hot coffee or espresso on top and it gets all melty) It’s hard to take those kinds of happy-causing things away from our diet. It’s like life sucks a little more when it’s not there. And I know that sounds pathetic and weak. I hate myself for it. Have you ever tried to just go a day eating nothing but fruits and veggies? It’s IMPOSSIBLE. At around 11 o’clock, I cave.

As human beings we always think we’re so strong because we’re sentient and self-aware. But when it comes to hunger, food, and eating we become pathetic creatures. Something that seems so simple to control can spiral out of control very quickly. Have you ever acted like a moody asshole and it was mainly because you hadn’t eaten in awhile? I have. I don’t like changing on a dime like that. Low blood sugar causes a lot social tension, it’s like you need your fix. And once you get it you’re all like, “Hey, I’m sorry about all those angry words I said out of hunger”.

So some days my overweight body weighs me down as I try to consider the pros and cons of going on a diet and losing a few pounds. Will it really make me healthy or just more anxious and insecure? Maybe one day I’ll know. But for now, I might just settle for that ice cream.

Author: Roe

she/her. Songwriter & Trek Punk Soul™.

2 thoughts on “Weighing Me Down”

  1. That was totally me today. The two people I was with today during lunchtime were both like “i’m not hungry/I don’t feel like eating” and I was like a hungry hungry hippo… VERY hangry. and i could feel myself getting so annoyed because of it! sigh.


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