I’m a Functioning Depressive

4

August 14, 2014 by Roe

I think I’m what you’d call a functioning depressed person. Kind of like a functioning alcoholic, you know?

But when I think about it, who is not depressed these days? Especially in my generation. There’re so many things to be sad about, though I think the root lies in cultural/social alienation – not fitting in, not belonging, not feeling wanted.

That’s how I feel.

The world don’t want me ’cause I don’t look good on paper; I can’t find a job in something I want. And I feel like the outsider because of it. I feel like an outcast because of my differences, my underground interests. I’m an oddity, too self-aware for my own good.

But maybe it’s not depression. Maybe it’s some artificial need to label everything. After all, it is the 21st century. Could it just be the causality of life? A side-effect of technological drowning?

But I love. I love deeply. I do and I can.

And I laugh. I joke. I do everything to make others laugh.

I’m also responsible. I do laundry and dishes and cook and clean.

I don’t cower in bed all day. I walk in the morning and smile at the sunshine and breeze.

But I still don’t feel right inside.

And you know, even though I don’t have a job, I don’t feel unfulfilled in that regard. It’s mostly the fear of what others think that bring me down. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on “office life”. In fact, I feel I’ve had my fill.

I don’t know.

Some days everything matters. Others, nothing.

All I can do is smile through the indifference.

4 thoughts on “I’m a Functioning Depressive

  1. Sam says:

    Roe, I think you’re amazing. Something is going to happen, you have so much good karma coming to you. I have battled these feelings of “not fitting in, not belonging, not feeling wanted” since…forever, no matter if it was homeschool play group, high school, college etc. I felt/feel them especially here (in India) where sometimes I feel like more of a language-barriered, naive burden to the team than an asset in the project. And these words, too: “Some days everything matters. Others, nothing.” Totally just mirroring my own emotions!

    You are such a good writer. Honestly, after a bit of a hiatus in reading (sorry), I’m coming back to your blog again and again. Just keep writing, and smiling, and seeing the good in the days.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Roe says:

      Aw, Huey you’re the best! 🙂

      I give you so much credit – It’s not easy to relocate anywhere long-term, nevermind India. But like Terence McKenna says (late American philosopher and author, among other things), “Nature loves courage”. And I think you’re displaying a great deal of it 🙂

      It’s interesting because the older I get, the more I analyze my life as an entirety and as a 20-something I’m noticing patterns and commonalities – loneliness and being the odd-girl-out being recurring themes.

      I think the open-endedness of it all intimidates me sometimes. Because after the structure and rigor of academia, it’s expected for a new graduate to go right into a job. But for what? And then what? Get married? Have kids? And then what? Retire and die? I guess I’m just not a fan of the blueprint so that’s why I don’t really feel down about being without a job. (Though to be honest, I’m doing plenty at home. Helping care my for my grandmother. My mom also started pursuing a certificate in translation so I’m playing housewife as the days go on since she doesn’t get home ’til late) I’m just confused as to what I should be doing now. But maybe this is it…for now…for reasons I can’t understand yet. The universe really does have its own chronometer!

      Thank you for you kind words (and for reading)! Enjoy India as much as you can. I think at the very least it will give you some wonderful stories to tell and an outlook on life that not many would even understand if they had the chance!

      Miss you! Wishing you all the best ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      • Sam says:

        🙂 Thanks Roe. I miss undergrad sometimes–I knew what to do to succeed. Real life is a whole new ball game and totally intimidates me too. I have no idea what is in store for me after this–to be honest I would really love to do more art/drawing-related things (I’ve been drawing a lot here during the times of questionable wifi and it’s been a great outlet) but I’m not sure how feasible that option is.

        Even though you don’t have a job, you clearly have a purpose and a role–it’s like everything’s working out (i.e. your being available to take care of your grandmother and do household things), enabling your mom to go for that certificate!

        I have definitely learned and changed a LOT even in just the 1 3/4 months i’ve been here… outlook, impressions, my definition of ‘dirtiness’… it’s insane. I’m enjoying it though, because i know this is the ‘fun part’ before i go back and have to deal with committee meetings, presentations, data analysis, and thesis writing!!

        Miss you too! ❤ Keep on writing!

        Sam

        PS: if you want to check it out, I have a separate blog for india: wwww.samhueyisinindia.tumblr.com. no pressure! just fyi 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • Roe says:

        Just followed your Tumblr. The doodles you posted are GREAT! You should just publish a book of them when you get back called, My Adventures in India. Ha!

        I’m sure there’re pros and cons to both worlds (India and the US) and while all those meetings and presentations may be a drag, at least you can get groceries comfortably in Shop Rite! 😉

        I’ll be looking out for more new posts on your Tumblr for sure. I don’t go on it much anymore, but I do glance at my feed from time to time 🙂

        Take care, homie!!

        -R

        Liked by 1 person

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