Some days I just want to be content with everything – Be genuinely content with everything and everyone. But would that be me? Sometimes I wish it were – just to be so easygoing and positive. Maybe that’s what I subconsciously aim for on a day-to-day basis – to be some likable creature.
I want to be thinner, less insecure, more savvy with everything. I have this subconscious quest to learn everything, know everything. I’m not sure if that’s healthy or not. I’m sure the cons will eventually flare up. But nothing beats a content headspace.
Staying home for the better part of the past four months as been a wonderful blessing. But as with the equilibrium of all things, there is a darker aspect to the half of the whole. Once Commencement was over and I cried my eyes out for most of the day, I continued to stay firmly resolute in my heartfelt rejection of society – How it works, how it functions, what it revolves around, the types of people involved. It broke my heart (and still does) to realize that after all this effort, all this hard work, blood, sweat, tears, and emotional turmoil this what it all comes down to: A job – A foundation for a life, for a type of future I do not foresee myself having because I can’t see past the end of the month, nevermind the next five years. But throughout these past few months, I think I’ve slowly been coming to peace with it. Joseph Campbell’s always in the back of my head, telling me to say “yes” to everything – the good and the bad.
So the past few days I’ve been diligently drafting emails and cover letters to send to six different companies. I know there’s something out there for me. It’s just my worst fear is to not utilize my fullest potential, to feel like I’m wasting my time, or not being a part of something great. That’s what I want – I want to move mountains with no bullshit. I want to mean every word I say and make every action count. Joseph Campbell says it’s not really the meaning of life we’re looking for at all, rather it’s the experience of life we’re seeking. And maybe starting now, I’m willing to search for a different experience – One does not require staring at the four walls of my house all day.