Does the word “frustration” even begin to cover it? C’mon. I know you’re all with me here. As the day darkens the pressures and anxiety completely overcome you, squashing you, leaving you in some peculiar claustrophobic headspace.
A job seems so daunting because that’s the springboard into the rest of you life, you know? That’s the springboard into your future and how terrifying! How terrifying it is that for a quarter of your life, it all adds up to this. This is what you’ve worked for: The sweat, blood, and tears, the sleepless nights and caffeine overdoses. Late nights into early mornings, fleeting friends, the social highs and lows that accompany a young adolescent life. We’re carted and compacted into an academic system and we’re supposed to come out of our respective institutions like some factory assembled windup toy, walking at an even pace with a frozen smile painted on our lips, waiting for someone else to wind us back up when we run out of gas. We spend the better half of our lives as a sponge, soaking up as much as we can before someone squeezes us out, takes us for all we got and then leaves us to dry in the summer sun.
What am I supposed to do with myself now? How am I supposed to act? What can I do? What can I do well? What do you want? What do you want from me? Are you really interested in me? Or should I be predicting some ulterior motive? You’re gonna use me, aren’t you? Why should I trust you if you’re just gonna use me? Well, I’m nobody’s doormat. I can be myself but you’re not gonna like it, you’re not gonna get it – at least not right away. And that’s the kicker, isn’t it? Everything takes time. And it just makes me laugh because time doesn’t really exist. It’s a human organizational construct, like mostly everything else we perceive I guess.
Don’t worry. I’m just losing my mind a little bit. But you probably are too. We all are. You just have to look inside yourself to see the fracture. And it’s okay. It’s all gonna be okay somehow. Because like Joseph Campbell says, we have to “joyfully participate in the sorrows of the world”, right? Gotta say yes to it, even when it hurts. And I’m trying. But it gets hard sometimes when you’re just floating. Ambivalent to everything, indifferent to everyone. See, I’ve always been resistant but it hits you so much harder when you don’t know where to go. It’s like my soul is vibrating so fast because it doesn’t know what direction to turn.
What got me on this spiral in the first place was the realization of my need to go to shows to see bands that really matter to me; Bands that are my main source of inspiration and means of survival; They give me a reason to live, you know? But tickets cost money and the limited funds in my checking account won’t last me forever. I know that. So cue my begrudging admittance to the system, my reason to conform to the capitalist culture…It just sucks that at the end of the day, we’re all slaves to a goddamn piece of paper. I think that’s the main concept I constantly struggle with.